Dr. Venture: There, all done! I say it looks pretty great if I do say so myself! [Colonel Gentleman, Action Man, and Rose walk in]
Colonel Gentleman: I've seen utter squalid hellholes in Tangiers look better than this! Rusty, didn't your father teach you anything about the holidays? [hits Dr. Venture with cane]
Action Man: My God Rusty! Did you let the boys sniff paint fumes again? This looks terrible, I mean decrypted old folks home terrible!
Rose: Now, now Rodney. You need to watch your blood pressure. I think the three of us can whip this into shape in no time, how about it boys?
Action Man: Sure thing Rose! Horace and I will get this place looking so great, it'll look like Dr. Z's castle before we destroyed it shortly before Christmas in 1976. [Colonel Gentleman and Action Man go to get decorations]
Rose: As for you two, we're going to do some holiday cooking and baking. NOW GO WASH YOUR HANDS BEFORE I HAVE RODNEY GET THE CAT-O-NINE TAILS WHIP!!!! [Dr. Venture and Pete terrified]
Pete: Do as she says! The last time Billy didn't wash his hands before the early bird special in Florida, Action Man took him over his knee and spanked him so hard that he blacked out; all the while Rose was taunting and berating him.
Dr. Venture: Wow! That explains a lot! [Dr. Venture and Pete run to the bathroom]
While Pete and Dr. Venture scurry along to wash their hands, we find Hank hanging out with 21 and The Monarch at a nearby mall.
The Monarch: Tell me again why are we babysitting Venture's 'special' boy.
21: We're not babysitting him, we're hanging out with him per the Treaty of Walhalla Christmastein of 1978; don't you ever read the Guild handbook?
The Monarch: I usually just do the Cliff Notes edition of the Guild handbook. They don't cover a whole lot in there.
21: Oh my God! No wonder why your wife gets so pissed at you during meetings! [Ringtone of Breaking The Law blares on]
The Monarch: Hold on, I have to take this. Hello? Oh, its you sweetums. How was the doctor visit? You don't have the Venus Virus again, do you? That stuff is horrible! Could you say that again? [suddenly goes ghost white and collapses]
21: Monarch! Hold on Hank, I have to patch into his health readings! [21 looks at vitals]
21: Code Raspberry, repeat, Code Raspberry! Malcolm Sylvester Schnottlocker AKA The Monarch is in cardiac arrest at the Patterson Mall in Patterson, New Jersey; request immediate medical help! What do mean it'll take 2 hours to get here? He'll be long dead by then! I have Hank Venture attempting some weird form of CPR, I think its working, no,no, he just a seizure of some kind, not sure the extent of it. Okay, fine, I'll bring him there.
Hank: What's going on? The Monarch just did some weird twitchy thing like what Dean does when he gets high fevers.
21: Hank, you're spending Christmas with me and the Monarch. Better let his wife know about all this.
Hank: I think she knows already. She's been screaming at me for twenty minutes about something called CPR.
21: Let me look at him. [looks at Monarch's vitals] Okay, he's got a pulse, however, its very weak. We have to take him to a Guild approved hospital and the closest one is in Atlantic City. We better get going if we're going to save him. You should tell your dad where you're going.
Hank: He probably doesn't even know that I'm with you guys here at the mall; I told Dean before I left, but he was being all crybaby because some girl dumped him again so I figure he didn't tell him anything.
While 21 and Hank take Monarch to the Guild approved hospital in Atlantic City, Brock and Sgt. Hatred are alerted to the Code Raspberry.
Brock: Hey doc, looks like Hank is involved in a Code Raspberry involving The Monarch at the Patterson Mall in Patterson, New Jersey. I was thinking about......holy shit. [sees Dr. Venture and Pete chained to the kitchen and doing baking and cooking]
Rose: It was the only way they'd stay and help me. Now then, what's this about a Code Raspberry?
Brock: Apparently, The Monarch went into cardiac arrest at the Patterson Mall and Hank was in the vicinity and because he tried, albeit pathetically, to give him CPR, he has to go with him and 21 to a Guild approved hospital and the closest one is in Atlantic City. I was gonna go check it out and bring him back here, but if you want me to stay, I can do so.
Rose: Henry's in good hands. I had Billy at that hospital when I went into labor during a battle at Brighton Casino. It became a Code Fuschia when I went into labor. Now then, PUT ON THAT SWEATER I MADE YOU BEFORE I HAVE RODNEY PISTOL WHIP INTO SUBMISSION!!!
Brock: Okay....I'm gonna go get that sweater on now. [rushes off to do so] [on communicator]: Billy, is your mom okay? She has Doc and Pete chained to the kitchen doing baking and cooking and she now just threatened to have Action Man pistol whip me into submission if I didn't put on that itchy sweater she made me last week.
[on communicator] Billy: To be honest with you, she's always been like this. She's actually being rather docile about the whole thing this year, its kinda nice. You should see her on 4th of July, I can't legally be in the state of Ohio because of what happened in 1986. Just do as she says and everything will be fine.
Brock: This explains why Billy ran away when he was 15 and didn't look back. [puts on sweater] I'm actually praying for a severe allergic reaction to wool and acrylic right now so I don't have to wear this sweater anymore. Hope Hank is having a much better day than me right now.
We go to a Greyhound bus where Hank, 21, and the Monarch are slowly traveling to Atlantic City.
21: The Monarch still has a pretty weak pulse, I'm not sure if we're going to make it there in time.
Hank: This weird lady in front of me gave me something called digitalis, its supposed to be heart medicine.
21: Give it to him now! [bus driver]: Be quiet back there or I'll throw you three off!
Hank: I think its working. [Monarch's heart rate does stabilize, but he's also having some other things go wrong due to the digitalis being laced with LSD and mescaline]
Monarch[jumps up]: WHAT A FEELING!!! [starts breakdancing]
21: Are you sure that was digitalis Hank? It looks more like you just gave him a drug cocktail of massive amounts of hallucinogenics.
Hank: That's what the lady said..... She's gone!
21[does epic face palm]: Oh God! Can this get any worse? [Monarch just darts the bus driver, killing him and causing a major accident in which at least 34 people are killed in a 157 car pile up with 3 semis jack-knifing in a row]
We go back to New York City where things have gotten weird.
Rose: Now then, I want all of us to sing Dashing Through The Snow/Jingle Bells and YOU BETTER DO IT RIGHT OR ELSE! [Action Man cocks gun]
Dean: Dashing through the snow, in a one horse open sleigh....
Dr. Venture: Over the fields we go, laughing all the way! [terrified laugh]
Brock: Bells on bobtail ring, making spirits bright....
Pete: What fun it is to ride and sing a sleighing song tonight! Oh...[Action Man shoots at Pete]
Rose: There's no Oh before Jingle Bells comes into thruision. Now then, LETS TRY THIS AGAIN AND NEXT TIME RODNEY, DON'T MISS! And a 1 and 2 and 3.....
Dean: Dashing through the snow in a one horse open sleigh......
We go back to the site of the crash and all seems lost until Sgt. Hatred comes in on his Hovertank.
Sgt. Hatred: Hop in boys! Let's get the Monarch all situated at the hospital. [they climb into the Hovertank]
Hank: Why are you in a pink Fair Isle sweater Uncle Hatred?
Sgt. Hatred: Billy's mom is at it again. She's got the family and the Triad held hostage at the compound. I managed to get out along with the Fake Ghost Pirate via laundry chutes. By the way, are you wetting the bed again Hank?
Hank: No more than usual. Why does the Fake Ghost Pirate look and smell like he's been at a petting zoo for three days? Is he on tranquilizer darts again?
Fake Ghost Pirate: I wish! I've been shearing sheep for 17 fucking hours because of that lunatic lady! By the way, does anyone have something that could get sheep pheromones out of my clothes? I've been trying my hardest to avoid rams all day and there's a place in Atlantic City where sheep fucking is legal and encouraged for some reason and I'd like to avoid being kidnapped and forced into sheep prostitution again.
21: Do I even wanna know why you've been forced into that at some point in your life?
Fake Ghost Pirate: It's best not to know, I've had 3 psychiatrists kill themselves after they found out. I feel bad that boy-oh here is missing out on Christmas.
Hank: Are you kidding? This is the best Christmas I've ever had! I'm not with my dad or Dean, Brock isn't having to rescue us from the guy whose currently near death and is hallucinating rather severely, and I don't to worry about getting a lame gift made from Dean's Bedazzler kit.
Fake Ghost Pirate: And I thought I rough childhood.....
We come to the end of the episode where its Christmas Eve. Sgt. Hatred was able to get the Monarch, 21, and Hank to the Guild approved hospital in Atlantic City where the Monarch had open heart surgery to removed plaque from a clogged artery. The Monarch is recovering nicely and 21 is stopping by for a visit with Hank.
21: So when are you getting out sir?
The Monarch: Tomorrow morning. By the way, why is Hank still with you?
21: His dad is in a sanitarium in upstate New York after being held hostage by Master Quizboy Billy's mom for three weeks. He fears the colors red, green, white, gold, and silver now.
The Monarch: Excellent! So Hank, what are you going to do for Christmas this year?
Hank: I'm going to an abandoned toxic waste facility with Dermott in the hopes of finding treasure. Wanna come?
The Monarch: No thanks. I actually want to keep my health and fertility. [Dr Mrs The Monarch walks in]
Dr Mrs The Monarch: Speaking of fertility, how are you handling the news that caused this whole mess?
Monarch: Better I guess. So how are we going to do this and still be supervillains?
Dr Mrs The Monarch: It'll be fine Malcolm. I talked with Dr. Alvarez and she gave me a list of suggestions as to how to baby-proof the house and who should help us once the little one is born. Red Death also gave me a list of preschools to start looking into as the waiting list for those things is beyond abhorrent. Which is why I've moved my parents in with us. They have the room right across the hall from us and they've already begun decorating the home with my dad's vast collection of John Deere tractors.
[hospital monitor alarm]: CODE BLUE! CODE BLUE! CODE BLUE!