?

Log in

Previous 10

Dec. 6th, 2016

Hank's Extra-Special Christmas Spectactular Extravaganza!!!!

We start our episode at Venture Industries in New York City where the Venture clan is busy getting the house decorated for Christmas. Brock and Sgt. Hatred are busy decorating the lobby, H.E.L.P.eR and Billy are busy decorating the labs, Dean is busy decorating the Christmas tree, and Pete and Dr. Venture have just completed doing yet another shoddy job on decorating the house.

Dr. Venture: There, all done! I say it looks pretty great if I do say so myself! [Colonel Gentleman, Action Man, and Rose walk in]

Colonel Gentleman: I've seen utter squalid hellholes in Tangiers look better than this! Rusty, didn't your father teach you anything about the holidays? [hits Dr. Venture with cane]

Action Man: My God Rusty! Did you let the boys sniff paint fumes again? This looks terrible, I mean decrypted old folks home terrible!

Rose: Now, now Rodney. You need to watch your blood pressure. I think the three of us can whip this into shape in no time, how about it boys?

Action Man: Sure thing Rose! Horace and I will get this place looking so great, it'll look like Dr. Z's castle before we destroyed it shortly before Christmas in 1976. [Colonel Gentleman and Action Man go to get decorations]

Rose: As for you two, we're going to do some holiday cooking and baking. NOW GO WASH YOUR HANDS BEFORE I HAVE RODNEY GET THE CAT-O-NINE TAILS WHIP!!!! [Dr. Venture and Pete terrified]

Pete: Do as she says! The last time Billy didn't wash his hands before the early bird special in Florida, Action Man took him over his knee and spanked him so hard that he blacked out; all the while Rose was taunting and berating him.

Dr. Venture: Wow! That explains a lot! [Dr. Venture and Pete run to the bathroom]

While Pete and Dr. Venture scurry along to wash their hands, we find Hank hanging out with 21 and The Monarch at a nearby mall.

The Monarch: Tell me again why are we babysitting Venture's 'special' boy.

21: We're not babysitting him, we're hanging out with him per the Treaty of Walhalla Christmastein of 1978; don't you ever read the Guild handbook?

The Monarch: I usually just do the Cliff Notes edition of the Guild handbook. They don't cover a whole lot in there.

21: Oh my God! No wonder why your wife gets so pissed at you during meetings! [Ringtone of Breaking The Law blares on]

The Monarch: Hold on, I have to take this. Hello? Oh, its you sweetums. How was the doctor visit? You don't have the Venus Virus again, do you? That stuff is horrible! Could you say that again? [suddenly goes ghost white and collapses]

21: Monarch! Hold on Hank, I have to patch into his health readings! [21 looks at vitals]

21: Code Raspberry, repeat, Code Raspberry! Malcolm Sylvester Schnottlocker AKA The Monarch is in cardiac arrest at the Patterson Mall in Patterson, New Jersey; request immediate medical help! What do mean it'll take 2 hours to get here? He'll be long dead by then! I have Hank Venture attempting some weird form of CPR, I think its working, no,no, he just a seizure of some kind, not sure the extent of it. Okay, fine, I'll bring him there.

Hank: What's going on? The Monarch just did some weird twitchy thing like what Dean does when he gets high fevers.

21: Hank, you're spending Christmas with me and the Monarch. Better let his wife know about all this.

Hank: I think she knows already. She's been screaming at me for twenty minutes about something called CPR.

21: Let me look at him. [looks at Monarch's vitals] Okay, he's got a pulse, however, its very weak. We have to take him to a Guild approved hospital and the closest one is in Atlantic City. We better get going if we're going to save him. You should tell your dad where you're going.

Hank: He probably doesn't even know that I'm with you guys here at the mall; I told Dean before I left, but he was being all crybaby because some girl dumped him again so I figure he didn't tell him anything.

While 21 and Hank take Monarch to the Guild approved hospital in Atlantic City, Brock and Sgt. Hatred are alerted to the Code Raspberry.

Brock: Hey doc, looks like Hank is involved in a Code Raspberry involving The Monarch at the Patterson Mall in Patterson, New Jersey. I was thinking about......holy shit. [sees Dr. Venture and Pete chained to the kitchen and doing baking and cooking]

Rose: It was the only way they'd stay and help me. Now then, what's this about a Code Raspberry?

Brock: Apparently, The Monarch went into cardiac arrest at the Patterson Mall and Hank was in the vicinity and because he tried, albeit pathetically, to give him CPR, he has to go with him and 21 to a Guild approved hospital and the closest one is in Atlantic City. I was gonna go check it out and bring him back here, but if you want me to stay, I can do so.

Rose: Henry's in good hands. I had Billy at that hospital when I went into labor during a battle at Brighton Casino. It became a Code Fuschia when I went into labor. Now then, PUT ON THAT SWEATER I MADE YOU BEFORE I HAVE RODNEY PISTOL WHIP INTO SUBMISSION!!!

Brock: Okay....I'm gonna go get that sweater on now. [rushes off to do so] [on communicator]: Billy, is your mom okay? She has Doc and Pete chained to the kitchen doing baking and cooking and she now just threatened to have Action Man pistol whip me into submission if I didn't put on that itchy sweater she made me last week.

[on communicator] Billy: To be honest with you, she's always been like this. She's actually being rather docile about the whole thing this year, its kinda nice. You should see her on 4th of July, I can't legally be in the state of Ohio because of what happened in 1986. Just do as she says and everything will be fine.

Brock: This explains why Billy ran away when he was 15 and didn't look back. [puts on sweater] I'm actually praying for a severe allergic reaction to wool and acrylic right now so I don't have to wear this sweater anymore. Hope Hank is having a much better day than me right now.

We go to a Greyhound bus where Hank, 21, and the Monarch are slowly traveling to Atlantic City.

21: The Monarch still has a pretty weak pulse, I'm not sure if we're going to make it there in time.

Hank: This weird lady in front of me gave me something called digitalis, its supposed to be heart medicine.

21: Give it to him now! [bus driver]: Be quiet back there or I'll throw you three off!

Hank: I think its working. [Monarch's heart rate does stabilize, but he's also having some other things go wrong due to the digitalis being laced with LSD and mescaline]

Monarch[jumps up]: WHAT A FEELING!!! [starts breakdancing]

21: Are you sure that was digitalis Hank? It looks more like you just gave him a drug cocktail of massive amounts of hallucinogenics.

Hank: That's what the lady said..... She's gone!

21[does epic face palm]: Oh God! Can this get any worse? [Monarch just darts the bus driver, killing him and causing a major accident in which at least 34 people are killed in a 157 car pile up with 3 semis jack-knifing in a row]

21: SERIOUSLY?

We go back to New York City where things have gotten weird.

Rose: Now then, I want all of us to sing Dashing Through The Snow/Jingle Bells and YOU BETTER DO IT RIGHT OR ELSE! [Action Man cocks gun]

Dean: Dashing through the snow, in a one horse open sleigh....

Dr. Venture: Over the fields we go, laughing all the way! [terrified laugh]

Brock: Bells on bobtail ring, making spirits bright....

Pete: What fun it is to ride and sing a sleighing song tonight! Oh...[Action Man shoots at Pete]

Rose: There's no Oh before Jingle Bells comes into thruision. Now then, LETS TRY THIS AGAIN AND NEXT TIME RODNEY, DON'T MISS! And a 1 and 2 and 3.....

Dean: Dashing through the snow in a one horse open sleigh......


We go back to the site of the crash and all seems lost until Sgt. Hatred comes in on his Hovertank.

Sgt. Hatred: Hop in boys! Let's get the Monarch all situated at the hospital. [they climb into the Hovertank]

Hank: Why are you in a pink Fair Isle sweater Uncle Hatred?

Sgt. Hatred: Billy's mom is at it again. She's got the family and the Triad held hostage at the compound. I managed to get out along with the Fake Ghost Pirate via laundry chutes. By the way, are you wetting the bed again Hank?

Hank: No more than usual. Why does the Fake Ghost Pirate look and smell like he's been at a petting zoo for three days? Is he on tranquilizer darts again?

Fake Ghost Pirate: I wish! I've been shearing sheep for 17 fucking hours because of that lunatic lady! By the way, does anyone have something that could get sheep pheromones out of my clothes? I've been trying my hardest to avoid rams all day and there's a place in Atlantic City where sheep fucking is legal and encouraged for some reason and I'd like to avoid being kidnapped and forced into sheep prostitution again.

21: Do I even wanna know why you've been forced into that at some point in your life?

Fake Ghost Pirate: It's best not to know, I've had 3 psychiatrists kill themselves after they found out. I feel bad that boy-oh here is missing out on Christmas.

Hank: Are you kidding? This is the best Christmas I've ever had! I'm not with my dad or Dean, Brock isn't having to rescue us from the guy whose currently near death and is hallucinating rather severely, and I don't to worry about getting a lame gift made from Dean's Bedazzler kit.

Fake Ghost Pirate: And I thought I rough childhood.....

We come to the end of the episode where its Christmas Eve. Sgt. Hatred was able to get the Monarch, 21, and Hank to the Guild approved hospital in Atlantic City where the Monarch had open heart surgery to removed plaque from a clogged artery. The Monarch is recovering nicely and 21 is stopping by for a visit with Hank.

21: So when are you getting out sir?

The Monarch: Tomorrow morning. By the way, why is Hank still with you?

21: His dad is in a sanitarium in upstate New York after being held hostage by Master Quizboy Billy's mom for three weeks. He fears the colors red, green, white, gold, and silver now.

The Monarch: Excellent! So Hank, what are you going to do for Christmas this year?

Hank: I'm going to an abandoned toxic waste facility with Dermott in the hopes of finding treasure. Wanna come?

The Monarch: No thanks. I actually want to keep my health and fertility. [Dr Mrs The Monarch walks in]

Dr Mrs The Monarch: Speaking of fertility, how are you handling the news that caused this whole mess?

Monarch: Better I guess. So how are we going to do this and still be supervillains?

Dr Mrs The Monarch: It'll be fine Malcolm. I talked with Dr. Alvarez and she gave me a list of suggestions as to how to baby-proof the house and who should help us once the little one is born. Red Death also gave me a list of preschools to start looking into as the waiting list for those things is beyond abhorrent. Which is why I've moved my parents in with us. They have the room right across the hall from us and they've already begun decorating the home with my dad's vast collection of John Deere tractors.

[hospital monitor alarm]: CODE BLUE! CODE BLUE! CODE BLUE!

Sep. 21st, 2016

On The Road Again

I've been very busy these past few months being on the road with a special self-advocacy assignment on the east coast(its confidential in nature so I can't talk about it). It's been very interesting to say the least and I'm learning a lot of new things on how self-advocacy works behind the scenes. I can't wait to see what happens when I go out there next. I'm also spending a lot of time with my mom; especially since she is dealing with a potential serious health issue and we don't know what it is or what's causing it. This has been incredibly difficult for me because I'm already down to one parent left as my dad died suddenly from an aortic aneurysm in 2005 and I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to him. I also feel like its incredibly unfair as my mom has been through a lot these past 20 years and as soon as things remotely look like they're stable, she gets a shit ton of stuff thrown on her and she hasn't done anything to deserve it. I really wish I could wave a magic wand and my mom wouldn't have chronic pain in her back, neck, and arms; she wouldn't have severe depression, and whatever is causing problems for her now would go away. I don't know how I would deal with this if it turns out that she has a terminal illness; especially since we've started to mend things within the last few years. My brother definitely won't take it well as he is very close to my mom and I know my oldest nephew will be absolutely devastated as he is a grandma's boy and my mom has been one of the few constant things in his life.

My mom has actually been going with me to my national self-advocacy meetings this year, in part because I have to pay for my transportation and my mom has had to drive me to at least one of my meetings. She is learning about self-advocacy on a national level and is seeing how things are nationally and I get to show her what I do for a living. Next week, we're going to Bismarck, North Dakota and I'm going to speak at their state self-advocacy conference. It'll be so nice to see all my friends again and it'll be nice to spend some time with my family.

Jul. 28th, 2016

Where's the vacation fairy when you need them?

After several visits to a counselor and lots of venting; its been concluded that the main cause of my stress is that I've never had a real vacation and that I need to embark on one as possible. While that's great on paper, it'll take an act of congress in order for that to get done.

I have three main obstacles in being able to have a vacation. The first one is obvious, vacations cost money and money is something that is in short supply at best for me. It doesn't help when you have to prepare an insanely meticulous ironclad plan in order for your conservator to approve said money for a vacation. The second one is lack of transportation. I only have a learner's permit and the mass transit options are lackluster at best around here so it makes places to go on vacation very limited. The third obstacle is that everyone who knows of my self-advocacy work thinks that when I go to a place that is out of state, that's my vacation. I will tell you right now that when I'm at a place that is out of state, I'm working on self-advocacy and 'working vacations' aren't real vacations. The only time I go out and do things is when there is a freebie day and while I come to the place where the meeting is held a couple days ahead of time, it is not to goof around or go sightseeing. It is so I can acclimate to the place I'm in as my autism will act up if I don't and I get a lot of grief from people for doing so, even though it is considered an accommodation and I very rarely ask for accommodations(I also keep this to myself because I've had people try to put me in a group home again because this issue several times).

At the rate things are going, the only way I'll be able to get a vacation is if the vacation fairy comes knocking on my door. Now if I can just find her business card and get past the receptionist this time, that'd be great.

Mar. 26th, 2016

Easter Greetings from VHN!

We start our episode at the Venture Building in New York City where Hank, Dean, Brock, Shoreleave, The Order of the Triad, and Dr. Venture are discussing Easter plans.


Dr. Venture: So, Brock, what are you doing for Easter this year? Hopefully you'll be staying here this year instead going on your cry fest vision quest to look for your non-existent father like you normally do.

Brock: First of all Doc, I'm not staying here. The last time I had Easter with you, the Monarch violated the treaty yet again and I ruined my new Easter outfit killing all his henchmen. [throws Bowie knife at Venture, nearly missing him] Second of all, its not a cry fest vision quest! I'm just like you and the boys; I'm looking for a family member and I have a lot of questions that need to be answered. Now then, if you'll excuse me, I'll heading down to the Greyhound terminal; the wage cuts you gave me make this the only way I can go home for Easter. [pulls knife out of wall, walks out the door]

Dean: I'm on Spring Break pop and I'm going to the regional newsboy reporter festival in Caribou, Maine. [alarm goes off] My ride's here. Hopefully a taxicab to Caribou, Maine won't be too expensive. [gets suitcase and leaves]

Dr. Venture: I'll wire him money later. Hank, what are you going to do? Lay around like you own the place?

Hank: First of all, I technically own this place as I am a Venture. Second, Sirena and her dad are in the Bahamas for Easter so I can't get laid like I wanted to. Third, I'm going to Dermott's place for Easter. His sister Nikki is picking me up in a little bit, she asked me if I like the color blue or pink most, not sure why though. [annoying ringtone goes off] She's here! Bye everyone! [brings plastic bag and leaves]

Dr. Venture: I'm just glad Dean is the successful one, Hank could die of bubonic plague for all I care. Hatred, are you staying here?

Sgt. Hatred: I technically have to because of a situation I have in that I am homeless and have been sleeping in the worst part of the Bronx since Brock took over again. If you want, I can be the Easter bunny for the kids that you're supposed to entertain as your brother had a yearly Easter party for orphaned kids.

Dr. Venture: Works for me. Should we feed them gruel or some other kind of horrible monstrosity?

Dr. Orpheus: I'll attend to the cooking details Mr. Venture. I have my mother's recipes for maple-apricot glazed ham, Vermont-styled scalloped potatoes, pistachio pudding, wild rice-clam bake, and oyster stew. It shall be a grand Easter for all!!!!!!

Dr. Venture: Fine, whatever. Shoreleave, wanna join?

Shoreleave: No thanks, Easter bunnies give me the creeps and my parents kicked me out on Easter when I was 13. I usually go to the bar somewhere.

Al: That's terrible! You're gonna come see my family for Easter Shoreleave! Jefferson comes with me because he has no family and he always has a great time. By the way, do you have any western gear because we're going to West Texas and we need to look the part.

Shoreleave: Oh well, it beats Colonel Gathers's invitation to visit all the strip clubs in Miami. Let's get to a western store and pick things out. I guess its not a holiday without at least one attempt on my life. [Shoreleave, Al, and Jefferson leave]

While the Venture clan goes about their Easter plans, the Monarch and his wife have some very different plans of their own.

Monarch: NO! I REFUSE TO GO TO MY IN-LAWS! THEY BITCH AT ME FOR NOT BEING A GOOD PROVIDER, NOT GIVING THEM GRANDCHILDREN, AND FOR NOT WEARING THE RIDICULOUS SWEATERS THEY GIVE ME EVERY CHRISTMAS!

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Well I'm going Monarch! You can go to Ohio with 21 for Easter for all I care!

Monarch: WHY IN THE HELL WOULD I GO TO OHIO? YOU KNOW I HATE IT THERE! [slams door]

[Dr. Mrs. The Monarch picks up compact-style phone and calls mother]

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Hello, mom? Yeah, its me Sheila. Malcolm won't be coming for Easter this year. I don't know what to do with him anymore. I-I-I-just can't take it anymore.[starts crying] Okay mom, I'll be there at 4:30, see you then, goodbye. [continues crying]

21 hears everything and goes to the Monarch. He tells them what he heard and gets an unexpected response.

Monarch: 21, we need to go to the cave so we can have a little talk. [21 & Monarch go to cave]

Monarch: 21, what I'm about to tell you must be kept in complete confidence. The Mrs and I are.....getting a divorce.

21: What!? This can't be happening, you two were made for each other!

Monarch: I thought so too 21. It started a few years ago when I caught the Mrs. in bed with my old high school chum Wally Terwilliger.

21: Aren't you two swingers though?

Monarch: Yes, but we both agreed that old high school buddies and family members were off limits. Anyway, after I confronted her about it, she got all mad and snippity at me and threw me out of the house.

21: So that's why you were in 24's old Stanza for 6 months.

Monarch: Exactly, and it didn't help that I had to use the fuel tank for a bathroom and that I had to go to Malice-Mart to take a shower.

21: Oh my God! Malice-Mart is where all the pedophiles go for their showers!

Monarch: Yeah, I learned about that the hard way. Anyway, when she did agree to let me back in, she had a lawyer with her and served me divorce papers. I contested them for three years until the former Sovereign told me that either I sign them or I'd have to go away on a marital retreat with Phantom Limb being the facilitator. So I signed them right away.

21: Since when does Phantom Limb have expert advice on marriage?

Monarch: Since he was married three times from 1989-1996. I personally thought he was a closet case.

21: So what are you going to do? You'll lose the house and the cave in the divorce proceedings!

Monarch: Actually, the Mrs. agreed to let me have the house on condition that I give her a new house in the Hamptons. We're going to move everything of hers into that house next week.

21: What about the tabloids and the henchmen?

Monarch: The tabloids have been paid off or burnt to the ground. As for the henchmen, we have to go before a judge for custody. You'll have to pick a side eventually 21.

21: B-B-But you guys are my family! It's not fair! Nothing in life is fair! [runs out of the cave in tears]

Monarch: I hope Venture is having a worse Easter than me.

We go to Caribou, Maine where Dean has arrived at the festival. He is greeted by the Brown Widow who gets him registered.

Brown Widow: Why are you spending Spring Break in Caribou, Maine? This is where lame people go to spend Spring Break. You should be in Palm Beach getting drunk, doing tons of blow, and hooking up with every lady you can find, not attending a boring newsboy festival.

Dean: I'm not into that crowd. That's more Hank's thing. Besides, I don't mind getting away from all the mayhem that is my family.

Dean and Brown Widow go inside and find a table in which to write a story for the top prize of 100,000 and a published article in the New York Times.

While Dean writes a story, we go to Hank where it is anything but peaceful.

[vase thrown at Hank] Mrs. Fictel: Why is that blonde boy here?

Hank: My dad kicked me out last year, was forced to take me to New York with him, got kicked out again, was forced by a judge to take me back in, and has now kicked me out again. What choice do I have?

Mrs. Fictel: All right, I'll show you around the park. We'll start at Dermott's place. It's a sextuple wide trailer and its the pride of the trailer park. [rings doorbell]

Dermott: What is Hank doing here?

Mrs. Fictel: Your father kicked him out again. He needs a place to stay and Nikki needs the other room for a nursery. I'll have Easter ham at the table by 4. You two are welcome to come if you want. [leaves]

Hank: Hey Dermott! Wow! It smells like McDonald's in here!

Dermott: That's because there is a McDonald's in here, dingus! Come on, I'll get you something to eat and show you your room; hope you don't mind roller derby here every other Thursday.

Hank: Sweet!

We go to West Texas where Shoreleave, Jefferson, and Al are at Al's parent's place.

Shoreleave: So, how long have you lived here?

Al's mom: 42 years, it truly is a lovely place. Wanna see Al's bedroom? It has all the clowns and stuffed animals since he was a kid still in there.

Al: Mom! Not in front of Shoreleave!

Al's mom: He's always been this fussy. Come on, I'll show you. [goes to Al's room]

Shoreleave: I was expected something very different from Al.

Al's mom: He wanted to be a rodeo clown when he was a boy but God didn't give him the height, athleticism, or agility that he needed. He certainly had the pizzazz for it though. [reads Shoreleave's mind]

Al's mom: I knew when he was 3. It was very obvious.

Shoreleave: How did you know what I was thinking?

Al's mom: Al inherited his magical abilities from me. I was a superhero working for the Canadian government when I met Al's father; he was a small time superhero who couldn't find work. His dad was a miniature version of Batman while I had telepathy, teleknesis, the ability to fly, and ice breath. After we got married, we settled down here in these parts and became a family. Al came first, then his sister Cleopatra. Al was the one with magical abilities while Cleopatra was normal. Cleopatra moved out when she was 15 after Al came out to the family. She hasn't been seen or heard from since. Al always felt guilty about that and ran away a year later. Thankfully, I was able to find him before he sold off into human trafficking in Amarillo. Now then, what's your story there, Xerxes?

Shoreleave: My given name is Xerxes Vlahdos. I have three sisters: Athena, Diana, and Hippolyta. My mom and dad were strict Greek Orthodox and since I was the only boy, I was supposed to get married right away. I knew I was gay when I was 7 and kept it quiet til I was 13 when a teacher caught me kissing a boy. I came out to them on Easter and they threw me out of the house. I wandered the streets for a few years til I was recruited into the OSI youth program by one Colonel Hunter Gathers. It's where I honed in my skills and graduated high school. OSI became my family and Brock Samson became my big brother. I hopped from one relationship to another til I met Al a few years ago and its been the best relationship I've ever been in. I would like to know if my family even thinks about me though.

Al's mom: One minute, I'll check. [reads their minds]

Al's mom: I wish I could give you better news Xerxes. They've disavowed any knowledge of you, including your sisters. Don't cry Xerxes; you have a family, you have one right under your nose. We will always welcome you into our home, just as OSI has. [they have a big hug]


We go to the Venture building where the Easter party has gone less than expected.

Dr. Venture: What exactly did you put in the pistachio pudding Orpheus?

Dr. Orpheus: I ran out of pistachios and I grabbed those green button-like things over there.

Dr. Venture: That explains why I'm so relaxed. You put about 50 peyote buttons into the pistachio pudding; that's why there's so much vomit and hallucinations going on around here. I'll tell you what Byron, I'll take care of this mess if you deal with Sgt. Hatred's mess. He'll need about 20 lawyers and a lot of bail money.

Dr. Orpheus: Deal.



We go to the end of the episode where things have turned out somewhat successful for everyone. Dr. Venture took all the orphans and used them in some horrific science experiment that no one knows about and shipped them to the Caribbean. Dr. Orpheus got Sgt. Hatred out on bail and got him a residence in public housing in the Bronx, Hank is enjoying his new digs at Dermott's place and managed to smuggle Sirena there for a few rendezvous, Al and Shoreleave announced their engagement on Facebook and got over 10K likes in a day, Brock once again failed to find his father and had Easter with his mom and brother in Omaha, and Dean is about to get an unexpected surprise......

TMZ reporter 1: This just in! Sources close to TMZ confirm that The Monarch AKA Malcolm Schnottlocker and Dr. Mrs. The Monarch AKA Sheila Velacruz are getting a divorce, citing irreconcilable differences. We go now to Caribou, Maine where the winner of the regional newsboy festival, Dean Venture, broke the story.

TMZ reporter 2: Thanks Kim! I'm here with one Dean Venture, who broke the story about an hour ago to thunderous applause and gasps. Can you tell us who your source is Dean?

Dean: Yes I can, Timothy! My source for this story is none other than.....

Monarch[beyond furious]: WHO SQUEALED TO THE PRESS 21?

21: I don't know sir. You said all the tabloids were either paid off or burnt to the ground. What other source of news is out there?

TMZ reporter 2: You heard it here first Kim! One Dean Venture, founder and editor of Venture Home News, has just confirmed that the source of the mystery surrounding this supervillain couple is none other than.....

Monarch: VENTURE!!!!! YOU'VE MADE YOUR LAST MISTAKE! MARK MY WORDS, I WILL KILL YOU! But first, we must do something about the Venture Home News!

21: Sir, that's impossible. He's got it tied in with the company stock which was incredibly stupid and with the Legacy Fund. He actually may have business sense, albeit not too bright.

Monarch: Whose in control of the Legacy Fund?

21: How the hell is that possible? I thought Dr. Venture wasn't allowed to touch the Legacy Fund til he was 60!

Monarch: MARK MY WORDS 21!!! I SHALL HAVE MY REVENGE!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA---[tears rotator cuff when stretching out his arms]

Monarch: FUCK AN AY! 21, CALL THE GUILD INSURANCE HOTLINE! I need to see if this is covered!

Feb. 23rd, 2016

The Irish Malarky Skit

This is a dream I had a night or two ago. It's very odd and eccentric in nature; its also something that could easily be used as a skit if I ever play my cards right and manage to miracle upon miracles to happen to me at some point before anyone who is in my skit passes away.

It starts a little like this.....

"When we last saw our brave comrades, they had frozen the space time continuum and all hope seemed lost until Q appeared and told them that in order to save the space time continuum, one of our beloved co-stars/cameo appearances must sacrifice their immortal soul. Through a grueling display of rock/paper/scissors/lizards/Spock, it had come down to Weird Al Yankovic and David Letterman. After an intense session of Tiddlywinks landed in a stalemate, Weird Al decided it was time to end this and sacrificed himself for the fate of humanity. He transformed into the newest member of the Q continuum, becoming Weird Q. After that, the space time continuum became whole once more and with that, a looming question; how are we going to explain Weird Al's death?"


We come to the trial of one Conan O'Brien, who along with Andy Richter and Jordan Schlansky are being accused of murder as they lost the ultimate rock/paper/scissors/lizards/Spock to Jimmy Kimmel and therefore the three of them became the fall guys for the whole thing. All three are found guilty of conspiracy and Jordan was also found guilty of 1st degree murder. Conan was sentenced to 17 years while Andy got 19 and Jordan got 35. The three of them went to a prison in northern California to serve out their sentences and I visited them on occasion as the proceeding events took place at my mother's house and because I felt bad for them. Jordan adjusted extremely well and became the head guy in the prison, even the guards worked for him. Andy also adjusted well and his family stuck by his side. He became Jordan's main smuggler and pimp in the prison and therefore was able to enjoy some of the finer comforts of prison life, including the occasional treats of fast food, soda, alcohol, and clothes. Conan didn't fare well at all. For starters, Conan's wife left him as soon as the trial started and took their kids and all their money to Thailand. She eventually got remarried to the richest man in Thailand and successfully sued Conan multiple times for alimony payments in excess of 2 million dollars/wk. Conan also got three years added to his sentence after he was caught smuggling in three boxes of Raisin Bran. Conan's luck would be made even worse during prison visits. David Letterman visited him three times; once to serve him with alimony papers as he was his wife's lawyer, the second time to serve him again, and the third time to serve him yet again followed by slicing off his right arm while faking a sincere attempt at a handshake. His arm was reattached via the seamstress team that Jordan employed. John Oliver visited him shortly after the arm incident with news that his wife had gotten remarried in Thailand and he flashed Conan the diamond encrusted Rolex watch that he got for coming to the wedding. He then poured hot tea all over Conan and ran off. John Stewart also visited him and taunted him relentlessly while having a 6 course meal in front of Conan. After the Baked Alaska was served, he had Conan burned while faking a sincere attempt at sharing the Baked Alaska. Conan's worst bout of luck came while Donald Sutherland, Kevin Spacey, and Bruce Willis were shooting a scene in the movie they were starring in. No one had told anyone of the film for fear of riots and I had come to visit Conan that day. Kevin Spacey and Bruce Willis were playing two brothers who were in prison for a crime they didn't commit and Donald Sutherland played their dad, who was once a powerful attorney and is determined to get his sons out of prison. The scene that was being shot was when Donald visited Kevin and Bruce in prison as they were 3 years into a 50 year sentence. Conan kept making faces and saying stupid jokes at them and it really started getting on Donald's nerves. It finally came to the 30th take and Donald was at his wits end. Conan started mocking him and that was when all hell broke lose. Donald reached over the divider and started bashing Conan's head into the counter. Kevin and Bruce soon followed suit and it went on for 3 hours while the guards looked on and I was beyond terrified. After they stopped, I took out my wallet, threw it on the counter, and ran. The raw unedited scene was used in the movie to tremendous acclaim and prestige. I also got to be in the movie when Bruce Willis saw me crouching in fear near a dumpster in an alley in Chinatown a few days later and recognized me. The movie became the highest grossing movie of all time with 292 billion in profits and it won every Oscar it was eligible for. Donald got Best Supporting Actor, Kevin got Best Director, Bruce got Best Actor, and I got Best Supporting Actress. Conan is eventually released after serving 30 years(he got 10 extra years for smuggling in ten canisters of oatmeal)and is confined to a nursing home in the middle of Iowa. Andy nearly died in a turf war caused by Schlansky being usurped by Stephen Colbert by being shanked in the heart, however, he was saved by Colbert and became his right hand man. His family even moved into the prison as Andy didn't want to leave. Schlansky was found in an underground sewer 3 years after he escaped the turf war coup via laundry truck and had resorted to a feral like status. He kidnapped a girl from the nearby women's prison and she became his wife. They eventually created a tribe of feral people and eventually amassed an army of 1,000 people. After winning the Oscar, I moved to a beach house in southern California and became a B-list celebrity. I ended up marrying a shady lawyer for the Ukrainian mob and had four children.


I know this seems like something that would make you wonder if I was running a high fever or if I was slipped a Mickey, however, I can assure you that neither of those things happened. I was just having another one of my eccentric dreams.

Dec. 15th, 2015

NIMBA

"I start this tale in the year 2061. I was a happy lad, you see. I was a teacher, a teacher for the infamous APP. What is the APP you ask? Well, I'll tell you my story for you will see, there's no one out there that's quite like me."

"My name is Lars Erickson, or as the APP calls me, #2189. I was a teacher for the APP or Ardent Paficists Party. I lived in a communal bedroom outside the hall of an old office building in Washington DC. My job was to seek out and 'teach' the infidelic floogs who seemed incapable of any kind of communication or intellect, you see."

"What is a floog you ask? Well, a floog is a person who escaped our euthanization chambers as they are deemed defective by the APP. They cost the party money and therefore cannot be in society. They also translate into our former beings; before the APP came to be. The APP came into power shortly after 2016 election when an unknown won the presidency. He ravaged and raved with fear, so the UN took upon themselves to call upon the act known as NIMBA or Not In My Backyard Act. It was passed unaminously and put forth into law on September 17, 2017 at 1:45 AM. NIMBA failed almost immediately as our closest allies at the time turned their backs on us and declared war. This led to the invasion of several countries on September 30, 2017 by the Russian presidency and catapulted us into WWIII. At the same time, the APP became powerful and had a huge backing which led to us having a second civil war, which lasted 9 years. It was the Neo-Feds vs the Neo-Cons and the Neo-Feds were backed by the APP, which landed them a decisive victory at the Battle of Los Angeles on September 15, 2026. The APP had assumed temporary power during the civil war, however, once the Neo-Feds won, all hell broke loose."

"The APP banned the following things immediately: any and all weapons(including kitchen utensils), any and all religions(including atheism), any and all consumption of food and beverages not approved by the APP(the only thing that could be consumed was water; no food), clothing, shoes, any and all forms of communication(including the Internet and technology as we know it), families, any unnecessary amounts of children, any and all forms of currency(including precious metals and jewels), any and all forms of law enforcement(including all remaining political parties, congress, senate, and the supreme court), trading, vehicles, trains, ships, airplanes, helicopters, light rail, horses, electricity, any and all sports and forms of recreation, books,any and all forms of art, movies, TV shows, any and all forms of music, any and all defective people(even those who wore glasses or had allergies), any and all words or phrases considered negative(even the word no), education, fire departments, medicine, any and all makeup, and any and all perceived luxury goods. To make sure that no one died, they infused the water with any and all possible nutrients you would need to survive. The APP declared their party rulers for eternity and everyone bowed down to them like it was nothing. Over time, things became peaceful and things were put into motion so that the mistakes of the past wouldn't happen again."

"There were several creations of needed departments to ensure everyone that things will be right again. The YCA, ECD, BNA, LA, IHA, DDC, and APP HQ were created shortly after everything was banned. The YCA was the Youth Career Assignment center and it was managed by my dear friend Gwendolyn Uecker or #7354. She was the prettiest girl you'd ever seen. She had long blonde hair, ruby red lips, and had the cutest dimples on her cheeks. She lived in Baltimore in an old factory building near Sector 7G. I knew I couldn't be with her as I was assigned to my wife Felicia Flanders; a cold, calculating, despondent woman whose father was head of the YCA. Felicia Flanders was a spoiled brat who spent all her time raiding shops and trying on forbidden clothes. She even had me arrested once when she was caught with the goods, saying I was forcing her to want clothes. I spent 3 months in jail, during which time I was subjected to psychotropic medication consisting of an LSD/Adderall/Rohypnol/STP cocktail. While we the people couldn't use anything of that nature, the APP sure could! I became addicted to the Adderall and was sent to a re-NIMBAfication camp in western Pennsylvania. I came back happy as could be or so I thought. I ran into Gwendolyn on my night out and was instantly smitten with her once more. We ran into an old bakery not from her home and made love. We knew we would be killed if we were found as while the APP taught us to love and withstill our need for violence, they used violence the same way a crackhead would use crack after getting a much needed fix. They craved violence so much that it was an act of love in their eyes. They bathed in blood and yearned for the day when they could kill us all as that would be the ultimate high."

"After Gwendolyn and I made love, we threw away our badges and ran. We ran so far and so fast that no one could catch up to us as any and all forms of exercise had been banned for 'safety reasons' back in 2031. We made it to Virginia and spent the night in a cave, knowing full well that we would be killed if they found us. The next day, we took to the riverbeds and acted as though we were passing on our way to our new home. We got to central Virginia when a young man hit me with a shoe. It was a floog, yet he seemed so familiar. I gazed upon him and there it was, a twinkle in his eye. It was my old friend Dom! Dominick O'Brien was once one of the most powerful men in the APP. He headed the Location Assignment depot. He was a big man, about 6'4" with a belly so wide you'd swear he'd eaten three men. He invited us to his cave where he spent the evening and told us the tale of how he came to be in these woods. He was heading the LA like usual when one day he'd been arrested for treason. He was said to have given aid and comfort to the enemy, the Neo-Con army. He plead guilty in the hopes of lieniency with his family. The APP however put his family to death, including his two small children. It drove him mad and when he was sent to prison, he escaped and took off deep into the woods. He met an old man there one day who looked healthy as can be, he even offered a bite to eat. Dom had never tasted actual food before and in the blink of an eye, he had eaten 144 hamburgers and cheeseburgers. He felt mighty full and mighty good too. He went to bed that night happy as he could be and decided to stay here the next day. He lived here with the old man til he passed away, then Dom took over the cabin and eventually became the leader of the VA division of the Neo-Con. We decided to stay with Dom and help the Neo-Con get rid of NIMBA and the APP. We had a lot fun and things were looking up, until one day a few years ago."

"Dom had fired back at some Neo-Fed regime looking for two other followers of the Neo-Con. In came Ward Anderson and Waylon Klein. Waylon was a good guy who came from somewhere in Georgia. Ward on the other hand was mean and spiteful. He hated everything and wanted only riches and jewelry for himself. Ward Anderson or #3184 was a menial laborer for the BNA or Baby Name Assignment depot. He catered to the higher ups, only to be shot down each time. He also had a wife and son back home in Wisconsin. Waylon Klein or #3152 was a widower who'd seen his share of war and knew how to handle a rifle. He hated Ward with a passion and felt something wasn't right about him. One day while rifling through some things, Ward came about something that change the course of history. It was a map dated in 2015. It showed the world and what the country looked like. It also showed the location of a secret hideaway, hidden beneath a cove in the Atlantic Ocean. He showed it to us and insisted that we go there and find out what this is all about. We said no and he stormed off without telling us where he was headed. He showed to the commander of the Neo-Con and we were ordered to go see it and investigate the cove. We took enough food to last us through the trip and headed off. Three days went by and we were nowhere near the ocean, let alone the cove. We were tired, hungry, and thirsty. We decided to settle down for the night and each person would keep an eye on the food in case of wild animals should come by. Dom went first, then me, then Gwendolyn, then Waylon, and finally Ward. The next day, we woke up and none other than Arnold Greenbuckle was there."

"Whose Arnold Greenbuckle you ask? Well, he's the leader of the APP. He and his army of Neo-Feds had been tipped off to our location by one Ward Anderson. He also had the map and a copy of every known hideout and cave system in the area. He is best described as a snake-eyed, bucktoothed, ratface with a green alligator skinned suit, solid gold dress shirt, a necktie comprised entirely of sapphires, and brown leather shoes. He told us that if we gave ourselves up, we'd be given lieniency in our sentencing, but we didn't believe him and chose to fight. He had the Neo-Feds round up some Neo-Cons and said we had to have an even chance for fighting. The Neo-Feds came back with some Neo-Cons and the battle was on. We fought and shot as hard as we could and won, albeit barely. Arnold Greenbuckle got away and Dom was nearly killed. The Neo-Cons smuggled some medical supplies from the Neo-Feds and we took care of Dom. We went a while yonder before Dom dropped to his knees one day and said this: "Take me home fellas, take me home." We knew what we had to do. It was painful, but we had no choice. After the Neo-Con heard about the deception that Ward did to us and the death of Dom, he'd had enough and did the ultimate thing too. We continued on as did the Neo-Con. Ward became head of the Neo-Feds and had an ambush waiting for us at the cove, but we were ready. We had a battle brigade of the Neo-Con NC division by our side and they had the Neo-Fed brigade ME division. A fierce battle wore on for days and weeks. Things were looking good when Ward killed off our best fighter, Waylon. I was overcome with grief and emotion, things that your not allowed to have under APP law. I took that bayonet and jammed it right between his eyes. The Neo-Feds sped off into the sunset and were never seen in those parts again. We buried Waylon where we said he'd be buried one day; under the old oak tree near his home. We went back north and continued on our journey. We reached the cove about a week and headed for the sea. We swam and we swam til you found us a day or two later. Then we woke up here and we were brought before this tribunal."



The judge pondered a bit and sat down with the three wisest men in the room. After much deliberation, Lars and Gwendolyn were allowed to stay. They settled into their new chamber and a few months later, welcomed a healthy baby girl that they named Dominique, in honor of their friend Dom. They married a short time later and were settled into their lines of work. Lars became head of the International Neo-Con and seated in the wise chamber during its session. Gwendolyn became the teacher of International Neo-Con elementary school and made it so that those deemed unworthy or floogs would get the same education and opportunities as everyone else. Meanwhile, they prepared for when the inevitable day would come when the International Neo-Con would come face to face with Arnold Greenbuckle and the APP and this time, they would be ready.

Dec. 10th, 2015

I'm Dreading of a White Christmas

We start our episode in New York City where Dr. Venture is heading to the X-1.

Dean: Are you sure you wanna go through with it pop?

Dr. Venture: I have to Dean. I'll get 20 years if I don't and I'm pretty sure I'd be a career drug mule if that I go inside.

Pete and Billy walk over to the hangar and are greeted by Dean.

Dr. Venture: Why are you here Pete? I thought you'd be hitting it up in Florida with Billy and Action Man.

Pete: We...can't go back there; there was a little mix up involving lemon square bars and a deposition hearing ensued afterwards.

Dr. Venture: Do I even wanna know?

Billy: Captain Albino here decided to bring a bag of cocaine with him to the retirement home and when my mom made her famous lemon square bars, Pete put the bag of cocaine right next to the powdered sugar and my mom took her glasses off for a few minutes to wipe the sweat off her forehead; she mistook the bag of cocaine for the powdered sugar and by the time 'someone' realized it, it was too late. 33 people died of heart failure and Action Man nearly had a coronary. Colonel Gentleman seemed to enjoy them though. My mom and Action Man got kicked out and are now living in a showboat off the Baja Peninsula coast.

Dr. Venture: Do you think your mom and stepdad can get me some peyote?

Billy: Rusty! This is serious!

Dean: Weren't you supposed to go to that deposition hearing last week pop? It probably would've kept them in their home.

Dr. Venture[nervous]: Dean my boy, its time for you to go on your world tour with State University! Here's a million dollars; don't spend it all in one place like you did last week at the chateau! [pushes Dean into limo, limo drives off]

Dr. Venture: Bye son!

Pete: What was that about Rusty?

Dr. Venture: Oh, nothing. Dean's been a bit of a lolligagger these days. Hey Billy! Would you like to see an unauthorized clip about the making of the Rusty Venture Show? I'll even let you meet the people who are going to be in the movie!

Billy: Sweet! Hi five! [runs into the studio]

Dr. Venture: That should keep him busy for a few days. So, what are your plans now that you can't see Billy's mom?

Pete: I'm not sure, thought we'd----[an email comes through and Pete freaks when he sees who its from]

Dr. Venture: Is the IRS putting a lien on the trailer again?

Pete: Worse, its family.

Dr. Venture: Is Sylvia okay?

Pete: It's not Sylvia, its M-M-M-M---[Dr. Venture looks at email, flips out]

Dr. Venture: HOLY SHIT, IT'S MILLY!

Pete: I know. I haven't told Billy about her and I'm afraid of what'll happen if she meets him.

Dr. Venture: It'll be okay Pete; just get arrested like you did last time she was in town.

Pete: Can't Rusty, it'll be my third strike.

Dr. Venture: I'm surprised you didn't get your third strike after what happened in Florida.

Pete: It was an accident Rusty! I got acquitted didn't I?

Dr. Venture: Whatever Pete. Just so you know, the answer is no; I'm not hiding you here this year! It's bad enough OSI is making me see Hank, I don't need this shit added to the mix!

Pete: When do you have to leave?

Dr. Venture: Six hours. Wanna get a few beers at the bar? I think I have some LSD on hand if you want any.

Pete: Sure thing Rusty!

Twelve hours later, Brock drags Pete and Dr. Venture back from the bar. Dr. Venture is tied up and thrown on the X-1, which takes off for Hank's place. Pete and Billy spend the night at the studio and Brock puts them on the Greyhound the next day. After that, Brock goes home to Nebraska to spend time with his mother's side of the family while Sgt. Hatred goes to his family's place in Zephyr Hills, Florida.

A few days have passed and Pete and Billy arrive home. Dr. Venture is also nearby at a place that even he wouldn't go to on his worst day ever.

Dr. Venture: What's that smell?

24: It's the communal bathroom. [Dr. Venture looks at shoe and throws up]

Dr. Venture: I thought the Monarch paid you better than this.

24: Good one sir, the last time I had a paycheck from the Monarch was when I was 15. He basically takes our paychecks and uses it for food, clothing, weapons, broadband, and gambling on rabbit racing in the South Seas.

Dr. Venture: Does his wife know?

24: I wouldn't be employed if she did. Well, here's home sweet home! [a grove of trees with several dead bodies laying on the ground]

Hank: Oh look, its the old man. See your still looking like death on a stick.

Dr. Venture: When was the last time you showered Hank?

Hank: 19 days ago. It's also the last time I used a toilet and brushed my hair.

Dr. Venture: I'll take your word on that. Are you even eating?

Hank: Totally. Dermott faked a bunch of injuries and three fast food places gave him free food for life as a settlement reward. I don't ever have to eat healthy food again!

Dr. Venture: Okay....I'm going to go to town and buy a few things. You want anything?

Hank: Some TP and a bunch of Ho-Ho's, Nutty Bars, Kit-Kats, Ding-Dongs, Twinkies, Funnyons, and Mountain Dew.

Dr. Venture: Sure thing son. [walks as fast as possible to get away from Hank]

24 flies over to him and stops him.

Dr. Venture: Out of my way Gary. I don't wanna be anywhere near this place!

24: You know you still have to see him per OSI rules, right?

Dr. Venture: It's doesn't specify his home! Tell you what, if I talk to the Monarch's wife about the conditions and lack of pay for the henchmen, will you make sure that Hank at least bathes once a week and that he has a toilet for his own personal use?

24: Only if you get Hank some personal goods every month and the things that he asked you to get just now.

Dr. Venture: Deal. I'll even throw in some insulin so I don't get a manslaughter conviction.

While Dr. Venture and 24 go to get Hank some things, we go to the trailer where Billy is about to open the door and unleash some carnage.

[doorbell ringing]

Pete: Billy! Will you get the door? I'm still stuck in the bathroom, that lamb curry went right through me!

Billy: Okay, fine. I told you not to get the expired lamb curry from the gas station but do you listen to me, no!

Billy opens the door and Milly appears. Billy is instantly smitten with her.

Milly: Hello, you must be Billy. Pete's posted a lot of pictures of you on the Internet hoping to make a profit.

Billy: Come right in and sit down. Who are you and how do know Pete?

Milly: My name is Millicent White; I'm Pete's sister. You can call me Milly for short.

Pete comes out about ten minutes later.

Pete: Don't go in there for awhile Billy, its horrible. I also think I'm going to need to see a docto---[shrieks like girl]

Billy: I take it you don't get along with your sister.

Milly: He's just mad because of a few things we did as kids.

Pete: You tried to kill me by locking me out of the house in 90 degree weather when I was 10!

Milly: Next time don't make fun of me because of my height; I can't help it that I'm 3'10" due to a genetic condition. Do you make fun of Billy because of his speech impediment and macrocephaly?

Billy: I've often wondered about that to be honest.

Pete: Billy! You know I would never do that! Remember the time I turned the firehose on those kids that were picking on you?

Billy: Yeah, and you ended up hitting a beehive and I got stung over a hundred times!

Pete: I got rid of the kids, didn't I?

Milly: I was wondering Pete if you and Billy are---

Billy: What is she implying? Is it what I think it is?

Pete[very nervous]: I'm gonna go to the store in Calexico and pick up a few things, be back soon! [runs like mad]

Billy: Calexico is three hours away! What the hell is his problem anyway?

Milly: He never told you, did he? Good thing I was able to convert these tapes to DVD. You might wanna look at these. [puts DVD in]

While Billy watches the DVD, Milly slips into something a little more comfortable.

Billy: That actually explains a lot. Is he in counseling for any of this?

Milly: Only once when he was a boy. He blamed me for what happened to him when I made him walk home in 110 degree heat from the beach after he tried to unhook my bikini bra.

Billy: Serves him right for what he di----[sees Milly naked]

Billy: Pete's gonna kill me for this! He hits me on the head with game consoles whenever I remember anything from before 1994!

Milly: He does? That's terrible! I'll fix that when he gets home! In the meantime, its time for an adult version of Quizboys; subject: anatomy. [has sex with Billy]



Three days pass and Pete finally musters up the courage to go home.

Pete: Hey Billy, sorry about earli---[sees Milly and Billy naked; collapses]

We go to the end of the episode in which its the day after Easter and many things have happened in Venture universe during Christmas. Dr. Venture honored 24's request to talk to Dr. Mrs. The Monarch about what the true conditions of the henchmen are under threat of execution under the OSI/Guild treaty known as Desmond's Law and Dr. Mrs. The Monarch is beyond horrified. She makes the Monarch build the henchmen a 24 apartment building complex and the Monarch is now sleeping in a patch of crabgrass and cockleburs. Hank chooses to sleep in the grove of trees for the most part as he become accustomed to that sort of living. Dr. Venture makes sure he has personal goods and lots of snack food at his disposal(and when he feels generous, he throws in some insulin). 24 makes sure that Hank does basic hygiene and that he has a toilet for his personal use. Dean came back in time for Dr. Venture to give him a solid gold flute for Christmas and nearly kills Dean by giving him some hasty pudding and forgetting once again that Dean is allergic to hasty pudding. Brock and his mom had a great Christmas and he got to see his niece and three nephews, followed by helping his favorite football team win the Super Bowl. Orpheus sends the Ventures postcards on occasion as he is still helping Shallow Gravy on their US tour(Hank had to miss some of it due to throat surgery). 24 got to see the new Star Wars movie over 500 times as a reward/much needed vacation for his work that year. He and the henchmen also got a huge raise. Billy has been in a relationship with Milly, much to Pete's chagrin and all hell is about to break loose......


Billy: Let's see here; bill, bill, another restraining order for Pete, bill---Hey! It's a postcard from Milly, hi five! [reads postcard, becomes very despondent]

Pete: Oh no, did she break up with you? I'm telling you she does this with everyone Billy! Three people on the football team killed themselves after she broke with them my senior year. [looks at postcard, becomes beyond pissed]

Billy[panic stricken on phone]: RUSTY! It's Billy, he's flipped his lid again, come get me NOW!

Pete[knife in hand]: Billy, oh Billy. Come out, come out wherever you are. I promise it won't hurt much, Billy.......[slips out of window, meets up with Brock]

Brock: Where's White at Billy? Is he on another coke binge?

Billy: Worse!

Brock: Oh god, please don't be meth.

Billy: It's not a drug binge! I knocked up his sister Milly! He's coming to kill me!

Brock: Oh god. I'll sneak you onboard the hovercraft, no one will know you're there.

Billy: What about the thing beforehand?

Brock: I'll give Gathers a bunch of opium before he goes to bed, he'll be cool with you then.

Billy: Okay, what'll I do about Milly?

Brock: Learn Lamaze and make sure she's comfortable. [hears hovercraft overhead]

Brock: Climb into my knapsack Billy. [Billy climbs in]

Brock: 3,2,1---[climbs onto ladder and escapes Pete, who is own consuming mass quantities of meth and heroin]

Brock: Throw him some Narcan, he's gonna need it later. [a crate of Narcan drops from the hovercraft and the hovercraft flies into the sunset]

Nov. 23rd, 2015

Live From New York, It's A Venture Thanksgiving!

We start our episode in NYC at the new Venture Compound. Everyone has adjusted very well to their new lifestyle, everyone that is but Hank. Hank misses Dermott, Nikki, and Brock more than anything and is craving fun and excitement.

Dr. Venture: Come on Hank! We have 15 minutes to catch the E Train!

Hank: I'm not going.

Dr. Venture: What was that Hank?

Hank: You heard me, I'm not going.

Dr. Venture: Give me one good reason why you won't go Hank!

Hank: I hate it here! I miss Dermott, Nikki, and Brock and I want an adventure!

Dr. Venture: You can see Dermott and Nikki anytime and Brock is on a mission in Tibet. If its an adventure you want, well boy you're gonna get it because Dean is performing at State University for their annual Thanksgiving concert; he's 2nd chair flute!

Hank: I'm not going and that's final!

Dr. Venture: Then you leave me no choice; guards! Escort him off the premises, he is to have no access to this property ever again!

Hank is thrown off the property and begins to wander the streets of NYC when it starts raining.

Hank: Oh great, the sky's crying! Now what? [thunder and lightning start up]

Hank wanders the streets some more and a car rolls up to him. A window rolls down and its 24.

24: What are you doing out here in this severe thunderstorm Hank? I thought your dad kept you on a leash.

Hank: I got thrown off the premises because I refused to see Dean's concert at State University, he's 2nd chair flute and has a solo.

24: Finally! You can come back west with me Hank, I'm having Thanksgiving dinner at my sister's house in Youngstown, Ohio though first.

Hank: That's okay Gary. It'll be nice to be back home.

While Hank gets in 24's car, a group of rogue Guild members watches them from a rooftop.

Member 1: What now?

Member 2: Tail them and intercept them after they enter Ohio.

Over the next few days, things seem to going well. Dean had his concert and got promoted to 1st chair flute after the former 1st chair mysteriously disappeared(Dean had a guard kill him with antifreeze). Dr. Venture has the turkey in the oven while he, Sgt. Hatred, and Dean are making the sides. Dr. Orpheus is keeping an eye on Hank via astral projection while Al and Shoreleave are cooking a tofurkey and making vegan side dishes. Brock is back from Tibet and is getting ready to do his yearly volunteer shift at the soup kitchen near Malice. Pete and Billy are in Vegas with Billy's mom and the original Team Venture celebrating Billy's mom and Action Man getting married. Monarch and Dr. Mrs. The Monarch are making Thanksgiving dinner for the orphaned children in Malice while the henchmen are murdering people for the money needed to get the orphaned children gifts. Hank and 24 have just crossed into Ohio when evil happens.

24: Oh great, the engine light came on. I told 87 to fix the carburetor. Hold on Hank, I'll pull over and call a tow truck.

As soon as 24 pulls over, the group of rogue Guild members ambush them and take them hostage. 24 is able to give out a distress signal to AAA, who alerts the Monarch to the situation.

Monarch: Damnit! Why does this shit always happen on the holidays? [darts four people]

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Monarch! Not in front of the kids! If you need to kill someone, do it outside! [sees the distress signal]

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Oh shit. Code Yellow! Code Yellow!

The code yellow is dispersed throughout the organizations.

Dean: Why is there a code yellow?

Orpheus: It's because young Hank and 24 have been taken captive by a group of rogue Guild members and they need to be rescued immediately!

Sgt. Hatred: We have to help them Doc!

Dr. Venture: No we don't. Hank isn't officially a part of Team Venture anymore and 24 works for the Monarch. Now then, who wants to help with the scalloped potatoes?

Dean and Dr. Venture stay behind to finish Thanksgiving while Sgt. Hatred and Orpheus go to help Hank and 24. They are met up with Brock, Monarch, Al, Jefferson Twilight, Pete, Billy, and the original Team Venture.

Colonel Gentleman: Rally Team Venture!

Everyone: GO TEAM VENTURE!

Monarch: I can't believe I just said that!

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Me either, but its a code yellow so we kinda have to. Now then, let's get these two back alive!

A major battle ensues in which many rogue Guild members are killed. Hank and 24 are freed by Pete and Billy while Brock dismantles the fierce henchman armada. We come up to the leader of the rogue Guild members when Hank realizes he's wearing a mask.

Hank: Let's see whose behind the mask.

Everyone: Dr. Scorchley!?

A while later, the police come to take Dr. Scorchley to the Guild Asylum and find out why he took Hank and 24.

Monarch: Sweetie, how did you know it was him?

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Look at the engine Malcolm. See how its melted down? Only Dr.Scorchley and the Human Torch can do such a thing and the Human Torch is serving 25 years for 1st degree manslaughter. What I'd like to know is why?

Dr. Scorchley: Hank and his band were supposed to perform for my daughter's 15th birthday; when they didn't show, she ran away and got hit by a train a few days later. My wife left me and took the kids to San Juan, Puerto Rico. I also lost the house and my life savings.

Hank: I might know how to make things slightly better before he goes up the river for 10-15.

Monarch: It better be good Hank.

Hank: Well....

We go to the end of the episode when its been a week since Thanksgiving happened. Dr. Venture ate too much turkey and fell asleep behind the wheel of a brand new BMW, which he crashed into a horde of Black Friday shoppers, killing 53 people. Dean nearly died after eating a slice of pecan pie because Dr. Venture forgot to tell him that he had a pecan allergy. Brock, Hank, and The Order of the Triad joined the original Team Venture in Vegas and were later joined by the Monarch and Dr. Mrs. The Monarch. Things have been really quiet as of late and Dr. Venture and Dean are tuning into an episode of SNL.

Dr. Venture: Where's Hatred? He never misses this.

SNL announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Sgt. Hatred! [applause]

Sgt. Hatred: Thank you, thank you! We decided to commandeer the show tonight to pay tribute to this special little girl you see on the screen here; good ol' Rachel Sue. Rachel Sue Wagner died in the most horrible way possible a few months ago and she never got a proper sendoff. So, we decided to commandeer and give her old man the funeral she never had before he goes to jail for 5-15 for kidnapping and grand larceny. Without further ado, here's her favorite band Shallow Gravy! [applause]

Dr. Venture: What the hell is this, some kind of a gag?

Dean: It's not pop. I tried calling the studio and was told that you and I aren't allowed within 3 inches of the studio.

Dr. Venture: What the hell? I can't change the channel.

Orpheus[astral projection]: You did this to yourself Thaddeus. By the way, I'm going to be away for a few months, Shallow Gravy is on a US tour. Ta-ta boys!

Dr. Venture: Oh my God, what did they do to Weekend Update?

SNL announcer: Weekend Update with The Monarch and Pete White!

Monarch: Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Before we get on with the news, Pete and I thought we'd share some of Dr. Thaddeus Venture's most embarrassing and disturbing photos.

Pete: That's right Monarch. Here's a real embarrassing one from 9th grade. You can see that he has.....

Dr. Venture: NOOOOOOO! [collapses]

Dean: I'm not cleaning that up. Better go on Facebook and see how Tracy's doing.

H.E.L.P.eR: 011011000101

Dean: It's not stalking H.E.L.P.eR! [goes to his room]

Oct. 3rd, 2015

Plan B & Plan C

I know I wrote an earlier post about where I was going late next year, however, due to circumstances beyond my control(WV cut all services down to the bare minimum and then some and I don't want to wait 3-5 years for state insurance for those with disabilities and affordable housing); I'm now going to go to either Plan B or Plan C late next year; it depends on which one opens up first.

Plan B is to move to Salt Lake City, Utah. I have a cousin who lives in Salt Lake City and is willing to help me get settled in. I visited there in July 2013 for a SABE meeting and fell in love with the city right away. They have a wonderful light rail system and it is very easy to navigate the city as it is on a grid system. I also like the climate and the people are very friendly. Plan C is to move to the Phoenix metro area. Phoenix was my original Plan B, however, after a series of laws were recently passed that significantly curtailed affordable housing opportunities, Phoenix got relegated to Plan C status.

I've made inquiries on both areas and each one has different guidelines about how to transfer things, some of which are very confusing and have a bunch of legal jargon which is difficult to interpret at best. I'm hoping to get my name on a waiting list in each area soon and the first one that opens up is one I'm going to as I can't stand being in Minnesota anymore and the thing that happened to me on September 15 is the straw that breaks the camels back. All I am saying is that something really bad happened to me while I was on my first date since June 2014 and the police took the guy's side. I got chastised for 'letting him in the house' and for going out on a date in the first place because 'people like me always get into this kind of trouble whenever we go on any kind of romantic encounter'. Most of my friends have also taken his side and I've been made out to be a whore and then some.

If it were totally up to me(and if I had enough money), I'd go to an island in the Mediterranean and spend the rest of my life there as I won't be able cause any damage or chaos whenever I encounter people.

Aug. 18th, 2015

Andrewson

We start our story with a group of four people traveling to meet a relative of one the four passengers for a weekend of fun in the Ozarks. The four people in the car have been friends since high school and are in college together. The leader of the group is Duncan, a tall and wiry fellow whose on the college football team as the team's quarterback and is studying to be a rheumatologist, like his father before him. The person next to him is his good friend Madelyn or Maddie as she liked to be called. She was of average height and weight and studying to be a teacher. The person behind her was Wilton, her fiance of three years. They were high school sweethearts and the best of friends. He was also of average height and weight and studying to be a financial officer at a local bank in their hometown. The last person was Ralph, a clumsy guy who was a little overweight. He was studying to be a computer technician.

As the quartet make their way from the middle of Texas to the home of Maddie's aunt Hildegarde up the Ozark Mountains for a weekend of fun and swimming, she told the group "Stay on the main road. Don't take any shortcuts like you normally do. I mean it, stay on the main road!" The group said "Okay!" and went on their way; however, Duncan decided that Maddie's aunt Hildegarde was being too cautious and panicky over nothing and that they should explore the area where Oklahoma, Missouri, Kansas, and Arkansas meet. The others said "Cool! Let's explore!" and went on an unmarked road. They came to a four way stop and suddenly a loud crash came from the engine and smoke started billowing up. The four got out fast and looked to see where they were. They saw a sign that pointed in a few directions. If they went straight, they would be heading straight for the Ozark Mountains, however, the nearest town was 150 miles away and way too far to walk. If they went right, they would be heading for rolling hills and cornfields as far as the eye could see and the nearest town was 25 miles away and none of them wanted to walk that far. If they went back the way they came, there would be a 50 mile hike to the nearest farmhouse. A part of Duncan thought that they should either go back or go right, however, when they saw a sign that said Andrewson and that it was 3 miles to the left of them, they decided to go left and get help in Andrewson. Little did they realize that their lives would forever change once they decided to go to Andrewson.

They walked along the dusty state highway until they came upon the town of Andrewson with a population of 5,973. They jumped for joy and made their way to a gas station called Keymania(pronounced KaymainIay). The quartet were tired and hungry, however, they also wanted to explore the town. Duncan decided to go to the sheriff and get some help from a towing agency. Maddie and Wilton took off and explored the town while Ralph went into the gas station and sat down at the diner. He found a barstool at a counter and looked around. Everyone in their was so big and eating lots of food. It also looked like they couldn't get enough food, no matter how much they ate or drank. The waitress comes by and says "What'll you have hun?" The waitress is a big lady with blonde brassy curly hair that is in a mini beehive mode and glasses reminiscent of the 1950's. Ralph hesitated for a minute and eeked out "A piece of blueberry pie, please." "Coming right up!" said the waitress. A few minutes later, Ralph received his pie, only that's not what he got. Instead, he a huge piece of blueberry pie with nearly half a can of whipped cream, twenty scoops of ice cream, and a jar of maraschino cherries, all with the brand name of Andrewson Pharmaceuticals. Ralph looked at that huge piece of pie and wasn't sure what to do. He heard his stomach grumbling so hard as the aroma of the food was driving him wild and he wasn't sure if he could eat it all. Then after a few minutes of careful deliberation, he went face first into the pie and it was so succulent and mouth watering that he ate it in no time at all. The waitress came by and said "What's your next course there Ralph?" Ralph yelled "ANYTHING! JUST GET ME ANYTHING!" The waitress smiled and said "You got it sugar, and by the way, your cute."

Meanwhile, Maddie and Wilton had been exploring the town and saw such exquisite, opulent homes. They were in awe with how beautiful everything seemed to be, however, they too were getting hungry and thirsty and staggered back to the gas station. They walked in and saw Ralph, who had tripled his weight in nearly three hours, yet was so happy and joyful that he couldn't stop eating and drinking anything he could get his hands on. The waitress asked them "What do you want?" Maddie and Wilton weren't sure what to do, yet they too started hearing the grumbling of their stomachs and said "What do ya got?"


As the sun started setting, Duncan was tired, hungry, and thirsty. He had been walking in circles all day and couldn't find a policeman to find him. He was near a cornfield near some of the opulent homes when a small boy who was very obese offered him a caramel apple that was dipped in nuts. He took the apple and was about to eat it when a tall and very lanky man smacked it out of his hands and took him to the part of town that no one would see. It was cold and desolate. Everyone there was thin and emaciated. Duncan was terrified and demanded to know why he was there. A man in his mid-thirties came from out of the shadows and introduced himself. "My name is Langdon Wells. I'm the leader of the Skeletal Resistance. I'm sure by now you've seen how the townspeople look and how they behave. Come with me and I'll show you how these people came to be." Langdon and a group of followers take Duncan to an abandoned part of town near a cornfield where it is heavily guarded and everyone in the area had on an extra industrial strength type of hazmat suit on them. He then saw how people were being thoroughly tested and checked for any signs of chemtrail. Langdon then had his followers and Duncan crouch down near the cornfield. "You see Duncan, this place used to be a happy place. There were lots of farms, homes, a schoolyard, playground, and many things for people to do and see. Then, in 1914, a company came by and bought the town. His name was Andrewson, James T. Andrewson. He changed the name of the town from Rolling Meadows to Andrewson or as he pronounced it, Anderson. Shortly thereafter, Andrewson Pharmaceuticals came to be and they received unlimited funding from the federal government to create cures, ideas, and innovations. Andrewson wasn't interested in helping people, he was interested in creating a substance so addictive and so powerful that anyone who ingested it would be forever held in its power as withdrawl of any kind would make the person commit suicide due to unprecedented amounts of pain and suffering. He developed several prototypes and when they failed, he decided to create a new one based on a formula he'd dreamnt up when he was in an insane asylum in 1903. He combined several archaic ingredients combined with various food additives and protocols in his failed prototypes and came up with the substance known as Andrewsonium. He tested it on several people and it worked better than he'd ever hoped for. The people craved his formula and demanded more, so he put it in every known form of food and water supply in the area. By 1923, the government became aware of the problem, however, instead of trying to stop it, they gave him more and more money. By the end of WWII, all of the townspeople were severely obese and could barely do the simplest things. Andrewson was well into his 80's and knew he would die soon if he wasn't permanently preserved. So he had the sheriff and the owner/head waitress of KaymainIay injected with a serum that could keep them young forever, however, there was a price. They were his living slaves and would do anything he said for them to do and any disobedience would be an immediate death. After that, Andrewson had them inject with an experimental cocktail he'd been working that would bring about psychic abilities so that he could keep an eye on the town. It worked, albeit too well as he soon began having psychokinesis powers and became a ruthless tyrant in the town. He then had the opulent homes you see before you constructed and had all those who were thin and unable to eat or drink anything abandoned and exiled to the piece of town that we took you to. Over the years, synthetic versions of Andrewsonium were made and put into everything the people ate and drank with the brand label of Andrewson Pharmaceuticals. Eventually, the town began dying off due to the long term effects of the substance and Andrewson demanded more people be brought into town so that he could continue his reign of terror and so that his pharmaceutical company could continue getting unlimited funding from the federal government. That's when the sign you saw at that four way stop came up. The only parts of that sign that are true is the one about Andrewson only being three miles away on your left. The other places are less than ten miles away at most and aren't contaminated like we are." Just then, a group of people cart off someone who has been exposed to the substance to a nearby dumping ground where the sheriff picks them up, takes off their hazmat suit, and brings them to the gas station where they become just like the townspeople. "Why did they do that to the poor man? They easily could've just washed it off." said Duncan. "For a time, that's what they did, however, the people who were exposed to the substance were committing suicide at high rates or were trying everything they possibly could to get the substance. After thirty people committed suicide in one day, Andrewson imposed a law stating that anyone who works for the pharmaceutical company that gets exposed to the substance is to be immediately removed and taken to town where they become part of the townspeople." Duncan was visibly horrified by what he had heard and seen. "Why haven't you been able to stop this terrible thing?" "Because Andrewson is all knowing and all seeing. If he finds us anywhere near this area, he'll kill us. Let's go back to our side of town and see how things are." The group makes their way back to their part of town when Duncan sees his car at the gas station. "My car! What is it doing here?" asked Duncan. "It's obviously a trick to get you to eat at the diner Duncan. Let's go." said Langdon. "But what of my friends? Are they in there too?" asked Duncan. "Most likely Duncan. Come on, let's get back to our side of town before Andrewson finds us." said Langdon. "I need to see for myself!" said Duncan and rushed into the gas station with Langdon yelling "NO DUNCAN! STOP BEFORE ITS TOO LATE!" Duncan rushed in and saw what became of his friends. They were too busy eating to recognize him. He stood there for a moment and rushed out the door and ran about town where he came about the cornfield where he saw the little boy. He offered Duncan another caramel apple topped with nuts and Duncan heavily contemplated eating it. Instead, he dropped to his knees and broke down crying.

Langdon brought him back to their part of town and sat him down for awhile. After Duncan calmed down, he asked Langdon "If the food and water is contaminated, how do you survive?" Langdon said "By a special blend of recipes handed down from generation to generation, before Andrewson arrived. As I told you before, several of the people were abandoned and exiled here after WWII because they too thin and unable to eat or drink anything. That's because they had a recessive gene that made them immune to Andrewsonium and its related substances. We were able to further keep that gene going by carefully selecting and breeding those that had the strongest gene pool mutation. Those that weren't able to breed became fighters and workers of the land. We named ourselves the Skeletal Resistance because we don't want any part of connotation with the outside world. That's why we wouldn't let you take your electronic devices or other valuables with you when we brought you here. My daughter Rosalie brought you here after I saved you from the first apple. She cleaned you and bathed you and took the photos from your electronic devices and made copies of them so that you'll have memories of your loved ones. She fell in love with you as soon as she laid eyes on you and you did too." "How did you know that?" asked Duncan. Langdon got up and showed Duncan the birthmark on his back and chest; it was a birthmark of a type of pentagram, common in medevial folklore. "You see Duncan, I am one of Andrewson's sons. I possess the same genetic mutation that the others did. When my father found out, he had me abandoned and exiled. He also branded me with these birthmarks, just like he did all the others. I too possess his psychic ability as well as some form of psychokinesis, however, it was not enough to overpower him in his attempt to reclaim the land back in the late 90's and as a result, my wife and Rosalie's mother died in that attempt. I've never forgiven myself for it and will do everything in my power to avenge the deaths of her and all others before her as well as freeing this town of his evil influence. Please, Duncan, will you join me and Rosalie?"


We end our story a year after it began. Duncan and Rosalie are married and are expecting their first child. Duncan has had several battles with Andrewson and as a result, has been branded with both birthmarks. Duncan often weeps for his lost friends and lost loved ones, knowing that he can never again see them, hear them, touch them, talk to them, or feel them. Rosalie comforts him and shows him images of them from time to time. Ralph, Maddie, and Wilton have settled into their new lives as part of the townspeople. Ralph lives with the head waitress and is romantically involved with her. Maddie and Wilton live nearby and are married with three children as the substance also produces hyper fertility in people who possess a certain genome. Maddie and Wilton are seeing watching TV while the maid and butlers that Andrewson provided for them tend to their whim, especially when it comes to food. As we zoom out and look out beneath the stars, we pan out to the four way stop and there sitting at the four way stop is another car, this time a husband, wife, and four children. He's low on fuel and doesn't know what to do. If I were you sir, I'd think long and hard before you make next move as your next move could be your last move, especially if you decide to make the left turn and make your way the Andrewson way.

Previous 10