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July 2017

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I'm Dreading of a White Christmas

We start our episode in New York City where Dr. Venture is heading to the X-1.

Dean: Are you sure you wanna go through with it pop?

Dr. Venture: I have to Dean. I'll get 20 years if I don't and I'm pretty sure I'd be a career drug mule if that I go inside.

Pete and Billy walk over to the hangar and are greeted by Dean.

Dr. Venture: Why are you here Pete? I thought you'd be hitting it up in Florida with Billy and Action Man.

Pete: We...can't go back there; there was a little mix up involving lemon square bars and a deposition hearing ensued afterwards.

Dr. Venture: Do I even wanna know?

Billy: Captain Albino here decided to bring a bag of cocaine with him to the retirement home and when my mom made her famous lemon square bars, Pete put the bag of cocaine right next to the powdered sugar and my mom took her glasses off for a few minutes to wipe the sweat off her forehead; she mistook the bag of cocaine for the powdered sugar and by the time 'someone' realized it, it was too late. 33 people died of heart failure and Action Man nearly had a coronary. Colonel Gentleman seemed to enjoy them though. My mom and Action Man got kicked out and are now living in a showboat off the Baja Peninsula coast.

Dr. Venture: Do you think your mom and stepdad can get me some peyote?

Billy: Rusty! This is serious!

Dean: Weren't you supposed to go to that deposition hearing last week pop? It probably would've kept them in their home.

Dr. Venture[nervous]: Dean my boy, its time for you to go on your world tour with State University! Here's a million dollars; don't spend it all in one place like you did last week at the chateau! [pushes Dean into limo, limo drives off]

Dr. Venture: Bye son!

Pete: What was that about Rusty?

Dr. Venture: Oh, nothing. Dean's been a bit of a lolligagger these days. Hey Billy! Would you like to see an unauthorized clip about the making of the Rusty Venture Show? I'll even let you meet the people who are going to be in the movie!

Billy: Sweet! Hi five! [runs into the studio]

Dr. Venture: That should keep him busy for a few days. So, what are your plans now that you can't see Billy's mom?

Pete: I'm not sure, thought we'd----[an email comes through and Pete freaks when he sees who its from]

Dr. Venture: Is the IRS putting a lien on the trailer again?

Pete: Worse, its family.

Dr. Venture: Is Sylvia okay?

Pete: It's not Sylvia, its M-M-M-M---[Dr. Venture looks at email, flips out]

Dr. Venture: HOLY SHIT, IT'S MILLY!

Pete: I know. I haven't told Billy about her and I'm afraid of what'll happen if she meets him.

Dr. Venture: It'll be okay Pete; just get arrested like you did last time she was in town.

Pete: Can't Rusty, it'll be my third strike.

Dr. Venture: I'm surprised you didn't get your third strike after what happened in Florida.

Pete: It was an accident Rusty! I got acquitted didn't I?

Dr. Venture: Whatever Pete. Just so you know, the answer is no; I'm not hiding you here this year! It's bad enough OSI is making me see Hank, I don't need this shit added to the mix!

Pete: When do you have to leave?

Dr. Venture: Six hours. Wanna get a few beers at the bar? I think I have some LSD on hand if you want any.

Pete: Sure thing Rusty!

Twelve hours later, Brock drags Pete and Dr. Venture back from the bar. Dr. Venture is tied up and thrown on the X-1, which takes off for Hank's place. Pete and Billy spend the night at the studio and Brock puts them on the Greyhound the next day. After that, Brock goes home to Nebraska to spend time with his mother's side of the family while Sgt. Hatred goes to his family's place in Zephyr Hills, Florida.

A few days have passed and Pete and Billy arrive home. Dr. Venture is also nearby at a place that even he wouldn't go to on his worst day ever.

Dr. Venture: What's that smell?

24: It's the communal bathroom. [Dr. Venture looks at shoe and throws up]

Dr. Venture: I thought the Monarch paid you better than this.

24: Good one sir, the last time I had a paycheck from the Monarch was when I was 15. He basically takes our paychecks and uses it for food, clothing, weapons, broadband, and gambling on rabbit racing in the South Seas.

Dr. Venture: Does his wife know?

24: I wouldn't be employed if she did. Well, here's home sweet home! [a grove of trees with several dead bodies laying on the ground]

Hank: Oh look, its the old man. See your still looking like death on a stick.

Dr. Venture: When was the last time you showered Hank?

Hank: 19 days ago. It's also the last time I used a toilet and brushed my hair.

Dr. Venture: I'll take your word on that. Are you even eating?

Hank: Totally. Dermott faked a bunch of injuries and three fast food places gave him free food for life as a settlement reward. I don't ever have to eat healthy food again!

Dr. Venture: Okay....I'm going to go to town and buy a few things. You want anything?

Hank: Some TP and a bunch of Ho-Ho's, Nutty Bars, Kit-Kats, Ding-Dongs, Twinkies, Funnyons, and Mountain Dew.

Dr. Venture: Sure thing son. [walks as fast as possible to get away from Hank]

24 flies over to him and stops him.

Dr. Venture: Out of my way Gary. I don't wanna be anywhere near this place!

24: You know you still have to see him per OSI rules, right?

Dr. Venture: It's doesn't specify his home! Tell you what, if I talk to the Monarch's wife about the conditions and lack of pay for the henchmen, will you make sure that Hank at least bathes once a week and that he has a toilet for his own personal use?

24: Only if you get Hank some personal goods every month and the things that he asked you to get just now.

Dr. Venture: Deal. I'll even throw in some insulin so I don't get a manslaughter conviction.

While Dr. Venture and 24 go to get Hank some things, we go to the trailer where Billy is about to open the door and unleash some carnage.

[doorbell ringing]

Pete: Billy! Will you get the door? I'm still stuck in the bathroom, that lamb curry went right through me!

Billy: Okay, fine. I told you not to get the expired lamb curry from the gas station but do you listen to me, no!

Billy opens the door and Milly appears. Billy is instantly smitten with her.

Milly: Hello, you must be Billy. Pete's posted a lot of pictures of you on the Internet hoping to make a profit.

Billy: Come right in and sit down. Who are you and how do know Pete?

Milly: My name is Millicent White; I'm Pete's sister. You can call me Milly for short.

Pete comes out about ten minutes later.

Pete: Don't go in there for awhile Billy, its horrible. I also think I'm going to need to see a docto---[shrieks like girl]

Billy: I take it you don't get along with your sister.

Milly: He's just mad because of a few things we did as kids.

Pete: You tried to kill me by locking me out of the house in 90 degree weather when I was 10!

Milly: Next time don't make fun of me because of my height; I can't help it that I'm 3'10" due to a genetic condition. Do you make fun of Billy because of his speech impediment and macrocephaly?

Billy: I've often wondered about that to be honest.

Pete: Billy! You know I would never do that! Remember the time I turned the firehose on those kids that were picking on you?

Billy: Yeah, and you ended up hitting a beehive and I got stung over a hundred times!

Pete: I got rid of the kids, didn't I?

Milly: I was wondering Pete if you and Billy are---

Billy: What is she implying? Is it what I think it is?

Pete[very nervous]: I'm gonna go to the store in Calexico and pick up a few things, be back soon! [runs like mad]

Billy: Calexico is three hours away! What the hell is his problem anyway?

Milly: He never told you, did he? Good thing I was able to convert these tapes to DVD. You might wanna look at these. [puts DVD in]

While Billy watches the DVD, Milly slips into something a little more comfortable.

Billy: That actually explains a lot. Is he in counseling for any of this?

Milly: Only once when he was a boy. He blamed me for what happened to him when I made him walk home in 110 degree heat from the beach after he tried to unhook my bikini bra.

Billy: Serves him right for what he di----[sees Milly naked]

Billy: Pete's gonna kill me for this! He hits me on the head with game consoles whenever I remember anything from before 1994!

Milly: He does? That's terrible! I'll fix that when he gets home! In the meantime, its time for an adult version of Quizboys; subject: anatomy. [has sex with Billy]



Three days pass and Pete finally musters up the courage to go home.

Pete: Hey Billy, sorry about earli---[sees Milly and Billy naked; collapses]

We go to the end of the episode in which its the day after Easter and many things have happened in Venture universe during Christmas. Dr. Venture honored 24's request to talk to Dr. Mrs. The Monarch about what the true conditions of the henchmen are under threat of execution under the OSI/Guild treaty known as Desmond's Law and Dr. Mrs. The Monarch is beyond horrified. She makes the Monarch build the henchmen a 24 apartment building complex and the Monarch is now sleeping in a patch of crabgrass and cockleburs. Hank chooses to sleep in the grove of trees for the most part as he become accustomed to that sort of living. Dr. Venture makes sure he has personal goods and lots of snack food at his disposal(and when he feels generous, he throws in some insulin). 24 makes sure that Hank does basic hygiene and that he has a toilet for his personal use. Dean came back in time for Dr. Venture to give him a solid gold flute for Christmas and nearly kills Dean by giving him some hasty pudding and forgetting once again that Dean is allergic to hasty pudding. Brock and his mom had a great Christmas and he got to see his niece and three nephews, followed by helping his favorite football team win the Super Bowl. Orpheus sends the Ventures postcards on occasion as he is still helping Shallow Gravy on their US tour(Hank had to miss some of it due to throat surgery). 24 got to see the new Star Wars movie over 500 times as a reward/much needed vacation for his work that year. He and the henchmen also got a huge raise. Billy has been in a relationship with Milly, much to Pete's chagrin and all hell is about to break loose......


Billy: Let's see here; bill, bill, another restraining order for Pete, bill---Hey! It's a postcard from Milly, hi five! [reads postcard, becomes very despondent]

Pete: Oh no, did she break up with you? I'm telling you she does this with everyone Billy! Three people on the football team killed themselves after she broke with them my senior year. [looks at postcard, becomes beyond pissed]

Billy[panic stricken on phone]: RUSTY! It's Billy, he's flipped his lid again, come get me NOW!

Pete[knife in hand]: Billy, oh Billy. Come out, come out wherever you are. I promise it won't hurt much, Billy.......[slips out of window, meets up with Brock]

Brock: Where's White at Billy? Is he on another coke binge?

Billy: Worse!

Brock: Oh god, please don't be meth.

Billy: It's not a drug binge! I knocked up his sister Milly! He's coming to kill me!

Brock: Oh god. I'll sneak you onboard the hovercraft, no one will know you're there.

Billy: What about the thing beforehand?

Brock: I'll give Gathers a bunch of opium before he goes to bed, he'll be cool with you then.

Billy: Okay, what'll I do about Milly?

Brock: Learn Lamaze and make sure she's comfortable. [hears hovercraft overhead]

Brock: Climb into my knapsack Billy. [Billy climbs in]

Brock: 3,2,1---[climbs onto ladder and escapes Pete, who is own consuming mass quantities of meth and heroin]

Brock: Throw him some Narcan, he's gonna need it later. [a crate of Narcan drops from the hovercraft and the hovercraft flies into the sunset]

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