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The Irish Malarky Skit

This is a dream I had a night or two ago. It's very odd and eccentric in nature; its also something that could easily be used as a skit if I ever play my cards right and manage to miracle upon miracles to happen to me at some point before anyone who is in my skit passes away.

It starts a little like this.....

"When we last saw our brave comrades, they had frozen the space time continuum and all hope seemed lost until Q appeared and told them that in order to save the space time continuum, one of our beloved co-stars/cameo appearances must sacrifice their immortal soul. Through a grueling display of rock/paper/scissors/lizards/Spock, it had come down to Weird Al Yankovic and David Letterman. After an intense session of Tiddlywinks landed in a stalemate, Weird Al decided it was time to end this and sacrificed himself for the fate of humanity. He transformed into the newest member of the Q continuum, becoming Weird Q. After that, the space time continuum became whole once more and with that, a looming question; how are we going to explain Weird Al's death?"


We come to the trial of one Conan O'Brien, who along with Andy Richter and Jordan Schlansky are being accused of murder as they lost the ultimate rock/paper/scissors/lizards/Spock to Jimmy Kimmel and therefore the three of them became the fall guys for the whole thing. All three are found guilty of conspiracy and Jordan was also found guilty of 1st degree murder. Conan was sentenced to 17 years while Andy got 19 and Jordan got 35. The three of them went to a prison in northern California to serve out their sentences and I visited them on occasion as the proceeding events took place at my mother's house and because I felt bad for them. Jordan adjusted extremely well and became the head guy in the prison, even the guards worked for him. Andy also adjusted well and his family stuck by his side. He became Jordan's main smuggler and pimp in the prison and therefore was able to enjoy some of the finer comforts of prison life, including the occasional treats of fast food, soda, alcohol, and clothes. Conan didn't fare well at all. For starters, Conan's wife left him as soon as the trial started and took their kids and all their money to Thailand. She eventually got remarried to the richest man in Thailand and successfully sued Conan multiple times for alimony payments in excess of 2 million dollars/wk. Conan also got three years added to his sentence after he was caught smuggling in three boxes of Raisin Bran. Conan's luck would be made even worse during prison visits. David Letterman visited him three times; once to serve him with alimony papers as he was his wife's lawyer, the second time to serve him again, and the third time to serve him yet again followed by slicing off his right arm while faking a sincere attempt at a handshake. His arm was reattached via the seamstress team that Jordan employed. John Oliver visited him shortly after the arm incident with news that his wife had gotten remarried in Thailand and he flashed Conan the diamond encrusted Rolex watch that he got for coming to the wedding. He then poured hot tea all over Conan and ran off. John Stewart also visited him and taunted him relentlessly while having a 6 course meal in front of Conan. After the Baked Alaska was served, he had Conan burned while faking a sincere attempt at sharing the Baked Alaska. Conan's worst bout of luck came while Donald Sutherland, Kevin Spacey, and Bruce Willis were shooting a scene in the movie they were starring in. No one had told anyone of the film for fear of riots and I had come to visit Conan that day. Kevin Spacey and Bruce Willis were playing two brothers who were in prison for a crime they didn't commit and Donald Sutherland played their dad, who was once a powerful attorney and is determined to get his sons out of prison. The scene that was being shot was when Donald visited Kevin and Bruce in prison as they were 3 years into a 50 year sentence. Conan kept making faces and saying stupid jokes at them and it really started getting on Donald's nerves. It finally came to the 30th take and Donald was at his wits end. Conan started mocking him and that was when all hell broke lose. Donald reached over the divider and started bashing Conan's head into the counter. Kevin and Bruce soon followed suit and it went on for 3 hours while the guards looked on and I was beyond terrified. After they stopped, I took out my wallet, threw it on the counter, and ran. The raw unedited scene was used in the movie to tremendous acclaim and prestige. I also got to be in the movie when Bruce Willis saw me crouching in fear near a dumpster in an alley in Chinatown a few days later and recognized me. The movie became the highest grossing movie of all time with 292 billion in profits and it won every Oscar it was eligible for. Donald got Best Supporting Actor, Kevin got Best Director, Bruce got Best Actor, and I got Best Supporting Actress. Conan is eventually released after serving 30 years(he got 10 extra years for smuggling in ten canisters of oatmeal)and is confined to a nursing home in the middle of Iowa. Andy nearly died in a turf war caused by Schlansky being usurped by Stephen Colbert by being shanked in the heart, however, he was saved by Colbert and became his right hand man. His family even moved into the prison as Andy didn't want to leave. Schlansky was found in an underground sewer 3 years after he escaped the turf war coup via laundry truck and had resorted to a feral like status. He kidnapped a girl from the nearby women's prison and she became his wife. They eventually created a tribe of feral people and eventually amassed an army of 1,000 people. After winning the Oscar, I moved to a beach house in southern California and became a B-list celebrity. I ended up marrying a shady lawyer for the Ukrainian mob and had four children.


I know this seems like something that would make you wonder if I was running a high fever or if I was slipped a Mickey, however, I can assure you that neither of those things happened. I was just having another one of my eccentric dreams.

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