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July 2017

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Easter Greetings from VHN!

We start our episode at the Venture Building in New York City where Hank, Dean, Brock, Shoreleave, The Order of the Triad, and Dr. Venture are discussing Easter plans.


Dr. Venture: So, Brock, what are you doing for Easter this year? Hopefully you'll be staying here this year instead going on your cry fest vision quest to look for your non-existent father like you normally do.

Brock: First of all Doc, I'm not staying here. The last time I had Easter with you, the Monarch violated the treaty yet again and I ruined my new Easter outfit killing all his henchmen. [throws Bowie knife at Venture, nearly missing him] Second of all, its not a cry fest vision quest! I'm just like you and the boys; I'm looking for a family member and I have a lot of questions that need to be answered. Now then, if you'll excuse me, I'll heading down to the Greyhound terminal; the wage cuts you gave me make this the only way I can go home for Easter. [pulls knife out of wall, walks out the door]

Dean: I'm on Spring Break pop and I'm going to the regional newsboy reporter festival in Caribou, Maine. [alarm goes off] My ride's here. Hopefully a taxicab to Caribou, Maine won't be too expensive. [gets suitcase and leaves]

Dr. Venture: I'll wire him money later. Hank, what are you going to do? Lay around like you own the place?

Hank: First of all, I technically own this place as I am a Venture. Second, Sirena and her dad are in the Bahamas for Easter so I can't get laid like I wanted to. Third, I'm going to Dermott's place for Easter. His sister Nikki is picking me up in a little bit, she asked me if I like the color blue or pink most, not sure why though. [annoying ringtone goes off] She's here! Bye everyone! [brings plastic bag and leaves]

Dr. Venture: I'm just glad Dean is the successful one, Hank could die of bubonic plague for all I care. Hatred, are you staying here?

Sgt. Hatred: I technically have to because of a situation I have in that I am homeless and have been sleeping in the worst part of the Bronx since Brock took over again. If you want, I can be the Easter bunny for the kids that you're supposed to entertain as your brother had a yearly Easter party for orphaned kids.

Dr. Venture: Works for me. Should we feed them gruel or some other kind of horrible monstrosity?

Dr. Orpheus: I'll attend to the cooking details Mr. Venture. I have my mother's recipes for maple-apricot glazed ham, Vermont-styled scalloped potatoes, pistachio pudding, wild rice-clam bake, and oyster stew. It shall be a grand Easter for all!!!!!!

Dr. Venture: Fine, whatever. Shoreleave, wanna join?

Shoreleave: No thanks, Easter bunnies give me the creeps and my parents kicked me out on Easter when I was 13. I usually go to the bar somewhere.

Al: That's terrible! You're gonna come see my family for Easter Shoreleave! Jefferson comes with me because he has no family and he always has a great time. By the way, do you have any western gear because we're going to West Texas and we need to look the part.

Shoreleave: Oh well, it beats Colonel Gathers's invitation to visit all the strip clubs in Miami. Let's get to a western store and pick things out. I guess its not a holiday without at least one attempt on my life. [Shoreleave, Al, and Jefferson leave]

While the Venture clan goes about their Easter plans, the Monarch and his wife have some very different plans of their own.

Monarch: NO! I REFUSE TO GO TO MY IN-LAWS! THEY BITCH AT ME FOR NOT BEING A GOOD PROVIDER, NOT GIVING THEM GRANDCHILDREN, AND FOR NOT WEARING THE RIDICULOUS SWEATERS THEY GIVE ME EVERY CHRISTMAS!

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Well I'm going Monarch! You can go to Ohio with 21 for Easter for all I care!

Monarch: WHY IN THE HELL WOULD I GO TO OHIO? YOU KNOW I HATE IT THERE! [slams door]

[Dr. Mrs. The Monarch picks up compact-style phone and calls mother]

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Hello, mom? Yeah, its me Sheila. Malcolm won't be coming for Easter this year. I don't know what to do with him anymore. I-I-I-just can't take it anymore.[starts crying] Okay mom, I'll be there at 4:30, see you then, goodbye. [continues crying]

21 hears everything and goes to the Monarch. He tells them what he heard and gets an unexpected response.

Monarch: 21, we need to go to the cave so we can have a little talk. [21 & Monarch go to cave]

Monarch: 21, what I'm about to tell you must be kept in complete confidence. The Mrs and I are.....getting a divorce.

21: What!? This can't be happening, you two were made for each other!

Monarch: I thought so too 21. It started a few years ago when I caught the Mrs. in bed with my old high school chum Wally Terwilliger.

21: Aren't you two swingers though?

Monarch: Yes, but we both agreed that old high school buddies and family members were off limits. Anyway, after I confronted her about it, she got all mad and snippity at me and threw me out of the house.

21: So that's why you were in 24's old Stanza for 6 months.

Monarch: Exactly, and it didn't help that I had to use the fuel tank for a bathroom and that I had to go to Malice-Mart to take a shower.

21: Oh my God! Malice-Mart is where all the pedophiles go for their showers!

Monarch: Yeah, I learned about that the hard way. Anyway, when she did agree to let me back in, she had a lawyer with her and served me divorce papers. I contested them for three years until the former Sovereign told me that either I sign them or I'd have to go away on a marital retreat with Phantom Limb being the facilitator. So I signed them right away.

21: Since when does Phantom Limb have expert advice on marriage?

Monarch: Since he was married three times from 1989-1996. I personally thought he was a closet case.

21: So what are you going to do? You'll lose the house and the cave in the divorce proceedings!

Monarch: Actually, the Mrs. agreed to let me have the house on condition that I give her a new house in the Hamptons. We're going to move everything of hers into that house next week.

21: What about the tabloids and the henchmen?

Monarch: The tabloids have been paid off or burnt to the ground. As for the henchmen, we have to go before a judge for custody. You'll have to pick a side eventually 21.

21: B-B-But you guys are my family! It's not fair! Nothing in life is fair! [runs out of the cave in tears]

Monarch: I hope Venture is having a worse Easter than me.

We go to Caribou, Maine where Dean has arrived at the festival. He is greeted by the Brown Widow who gets him registered.

Brown Widow: Why are you spending Spring Break in Caribou, Maine? This is where lame people go to spend Spring Break. You should be in Palm Beach getting drunk, doing tons of blow, and hooking up with every lady you can find, not attending a boring newsboy festival.

Dean: I'm not into that crowd. That's more Hank's thing. Besides, I don't mind getting away from all the mayhem that is my family.

Dean and Brown Widow go inside and find a table in which to write a story for the top prize of 100,000 and a published article in the New York Times.

While Dean writes a story, we go to Hank where it is anything but peaceful.

[vase thrown at Hank] Mrs. Fictel: Why is that blonde boy here?

Hank: My dad kicked me out last year, was forced to take me to New York with him, got kicked out again, was forced by a judge to take me back in, and has now kicked me out again. What choice do I have?

Mrs. Fictel: All right, I'll show you around the park. We'll start at Dermott's place. It's a sextuple wide trailer and its the pride of the trailer park. [rings doorbell]

Dermott: What is Hank doing here?

Mrs. Fictel: Your father kicked him out again. He needs a place to stay and Nikki needs the other room for a nursery. I'll have Easter ham at the table by 4. You two are welcome to come if you want. [leaves]

Hank: Hey Dermott! Wow! It smells like McDonald's in here!

Dermott: That's because there is a McDonald's in here, dingus! Come on, I'll get you something to eat and show you your room; hope you don't mind roller derby here every other Thursday.

Hank: Sweet!

We go to West Texas where Shoreleave, Jefferson, and Al are at Al's parent's place.

Shoreleave: So, how long have you lived here?

Al's mom: 42 years, it truly is a lovely place. Wanna see Al's bedroom? It has all the clowns and stuffed animals since he was a kid still in there.

Al: Mom! Not in front of Shoreleave!

Al's mom: He's always been this fussy. Come on, I'll show you. [goes to Al's room]

Shoreleave: I was expected something very different from Al.

Al's mom: He wanted to be a rodeo clown when he was a boy but God didn't give him the height, athleticism, or agility that he needed. He certainly had the pizzazz for it though. [reads Shoreleave's mind]

Al's mom: I knew when he was 3. It was very obvious.

Shoreleave: How did you know what I was thinking?

Al's mom: Al inherited his magical abilities from me. I was a superhero working for the Canadian government when I met Al's father; he was a small time superhero who couldn't find work. His dad was a miniature version of Batman while I had telepathy, teleknesis, the ability to fly, and ice breath. After we got married, we settled down here in these parts and became a family. Al came first, then his sister Cleopatra. Al was the one with magical abilities while Cleopatra was normal. Cleopatra moved out when she was 15 after Al came out to the family. She hasn't been seen or heard from since. Al always felt guilty about that and ran away a year later. Thankfully, I was able to find him before he sold off into human trafficking in Amarillo. Now then, what's your story there, Xerxes?

Shoreleave: My given name is Xerxes Vlahdos. I have three sisters: Athena, Diana, and Hippolyta. My mom and dad were strict Greek Orthodox and since I was the only boy, I was supposed to get married right away. I knew I was gay when I was 7 and kept it quiet til I was 13 when a teacher caught me kissing a boy. I came out to them on Easter and they threw me out of the house. I wandered the streets for a few years til I was recruited into the OSI youth program by one Colonel Hunter Gathers. It's where I honed in my skills and graduated high school. OSI became my family and Brock Samson became my big brother. I hopped from one relationship to another til I met Al a few years ago and its been the best relationship I've ever been in. I would like to know if my family even thinks about me though.

Al's mom: One minute, I'll check. [reads their minds]

Al's mom: I wish I could give you better news Xerxes. They've disavowed any knowledge of you, including your sisters. Don't cry Xerxes; you have a family, you have one right under your nose. We will always welcome you into our home, just as OSI has. [they have a big hug]


We go to the Venture building where the Easter party has gone less than expected.

Dr. Venture: What exactly did you put in the pistachio pudding Orpheus?

Dr. Orpheus: I ran out of pistachios and I grabbed those green button-like things over there.

Dr. Venture: That explains why I'm so relaxed. You put about 50 peyote buttons into the pistachio pudding; that's why there's so much vomit and hallucinations going on around here. I'll tell you what Byron, I'll take care of this mess if you deal with Sgt. Hatred's mess. He'll need about 20 lawyers and a lot of bail money.

Dr. Orpheus: Deal.



We go to the end of the episode where things have turned out somewhat successful for everyone. Dr. Venture took all the orphans and used them in some horrific science experiment that no one knows about and shipped them to the Caribbean. Dr. Orpheus got Sgt. Hatred out on bail and got him a residence in public housing in the Bronx, Hank is enjoying his new digs at Dermott's place and managed to smuggle Sirena there for a few rendezvous, Al and Shoreleave announced their engagement on Facebook and got over 10K likes in a day, Brock once again failed to find his father and had Easter with his mom and brother in Omaha, and Dean is about to get an unexpected surprise......

TMZ reporter 1: This just in! Sources close to TMZ confirm that The Monarch AKA Malcolm Schnottlocker and Dr. Mrs. The Monarch AKA Sheila Velacruz are getting a divorce, citing irreconcilable differences. We go now to Caribou, Maine where the winner of the regional newsboy festival, Dean Venture, broke the story.

TMZ reporter 2: Thanks Kim! I'm here with one Dean Venture, who broke the story about an hour ago to thunderous applause and gasps. Can you tell us who your source is Dean?

Dean: Yes I can, Timothy! My source for this story is none other than.....

Monarch[beyond furious]: WHO SQUEALED TO THE PRESS 21?

21: I don't know sir. You said all the tabloids were either paid off or burnt to the ground. What other source of news is out there?

TMZ reporter 2: You heard it here first Kim! One Dean Venture, founder and editor of Venture Home News, has just confirmed that the source of the mystery surrounding this supervillain couple is none other than.....

Monarch: VENTURE!!!!! YOU'VE MADE YOUR LAST MISTAKE! MARK MY WORDS, I WILL KILL YOU! But first, we must do something about the Venture Home News!

21: Sir, that's impossible. He's got it tied in with the company stock which was incredibly stupid and with the Legacy Fund. He actually may have business sense, albeit not too bright.

Monarch: Whose in control of the Legacy Fund?

21: How the hell is that possible? I thought Dr. Venture wasn't allowed to touch the Legacy Fund til he was 60!

Monarch: MARK MY WORDS 21!!! I SHALL HAVE MY REVENGE!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA---[tears rotator cuff when stretching out his arms]

Monarch: FUCK AN AY! 21, CALL THE GUILD INSURANCE HOTLINE! I need to see if this is covered!

Comments

So cool!

I used a text to speech program so I could lie back and listen. The program is a bit stiff (and it pronounced "Dr." as "drive", but otherwise...
Fine work!