Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous 10 | Next 10

Feb. 23rd, 2016

The Irish Malarky Skit

This is a dream I had a night or two ago. It's very odd and eccentric in nature; its also something that could easily be used as a skit if I ever play my cards right and manage to miracle upon miracles to happen to me at some point before anyone who is in my skit passes away.

It starts a little like this.....

"When we last saw our brave comrades, they had frozen the space time continuum and all hope seemed lost until Q appeared and told them that in order to save the space time continuum, one of our beloved co-stars/cameo appearances must sacrifice their immortal soul. Through a grueling display of rock/paper/scissors/lizards/Spock, it had come down to Weird Al Yankovic and David Letterman. After an intense session of Tiddlywinks landed in a stalemate, Weird Al decided it was time to end this and sacrificed himself for the fate of humanity. He transformed into the newest member of the Q continuum, becoming Weird Q. After that, the space time continuum became whole once more and with that, a looming question; how are we going to explain Weird Al's death?"

We come to the trial of one Conan O'Brien, who along with Andy Richter and Jordan Schlansky are being accused of murder as they lost the ultimate rock/paper/scissors/lizards/Spock to Jimmy Kimmel and therefore the three of them became the fall guys for the whole thing. All three are found guilty of conspiracy and Jordan was also found guilty of 1st degree murder. Conan was sentenced to 17 years while Andy got 19 and Jordan got 35. The three of them went to a prison in northern California to serve out their sentences and I visited them on occasion as the proceeding events took place at my mother's house and because I felt bad for them. Jordan adjusted extremely well and became the head guy in the prison, even the guards worked for him. Andy also adjusted well and his family stuck by his side. He became Jordan's main smuggler and pimp in the prison and therefore was able to enjoy some of the finer comforts of prison life, including the occasional treats of fast food, soda, alcohol, and clothes. Conan didn't fare well at all. For starters, Conan's wife left him as soon as the trial started and took their kids and all their money to Thailand. She eventually got remarried to the richest man in Thailand and successfully sued Conan multiple times for alimony payments in excess of 2 million dollars/wk. Conan also got three years added to his sentence after he was caught smuggling in three boxes of Raisin Bran. Conan's luck would be made even worse during prison visits. David Letterman visited him three times; once to serve him with alimony papers as he was his wife's lawyer, the second time to serve him again, and the third time to serve him yet again followed by slicing off his right arm while faking a sincere attempt at a handshake. His arm was reattached via the seamstress team that Jordan employed. John Oliver visited him shortly after the arm incident with news that his wife had gotten remarried in Thailand and he flashed Conan the diamond encrusted Rolex watch that he got for coming to the wedding. He then poured hot tea all over Conan and ran off. John Stewart also visited him and taunted him relentlessly while having a 6 course meal in front of Conan. After the Baked Alaska was served, he had Conan burned while faking a sincere attempt at sharing the Baked Alaska. Conan's worst bout of luck came while Donald Sutherland, Kevin Spacey, and Bruce Willis were shooting a scene in the movie they were starring in. No one had told anyone of the film for fear of riots and I had come to visit Conan that day. Kevin Spacey and Bruce Willis were playing two brothers who were in prison for a crime they didn't commit and Donald Sutherland played their dad, who was once a powerful attorney and is determined to get his sons out of prison. The scene that was being shot was when Donald visited Kevin and Bruce in prison as they were 3 years into a 50 year sentence. Conan kept making faces and saying stupid jokes at them and it really started getting on Donald's nerves. It finally came to the 30th take and Donald was at his wits end. Conan started mocking him and that was when all hell broke lose. Donald reached over the divider and started bashing Conan's head into the counter. Kevin and Bruce soon followed suit and it went on for 3 hours while the guards looked on and I was beyond terrified. After they stopped, I took out my wallet, threw it on the counter, and ran. The raw unedited scene was used in the movie to tremendous acclaim and prestige. I also got to be in the movie when Bruce Willis saw me crouching in fear near a dumpster in an alley in Chinatown a few days later and recognized me. The movie became the highest grossing movie of all time with 292 billion in profits and it won every Oscar it was eligible for. Donald got Best Supporting Actor, Kevin got Best Director, Bruce got Best Actor, and I got Best Supporting Actress. Conan is eventually released after serving 30 years(he got 10 extra years for smuggling in ten canisters of oatmeal)and is confined to a nursing home in the middle of Iowa. Andy nearly died in a turf war caused by Schlansky being usurped by Stephen Colbert by being shanked in the heart, however, he was saved by Colbert and became his right hand man. His family even moved into the prison as Andy didn't want to leave. Schlansky was found in an underground sewer 3 years after he escaped the turf war coup via laundry truck and had resorted to a feral like status. He kidnapped a girl from the nearby women's prison and she became his wife. They eventually created a tribe of feral people and eventually amassed an army of 1,000 people. After winning the Oscar, I moved to a beach house in southern California and became a B-list celebrity. I ended up marrying a shady lawyer for the Ukrainian mob and had four children.

I know this seems like something that would make you wonder if I was running a high fever or if I was slipped a Mickey, however, I can assure you that neither of those things happened. I was just having another one of my eccentric dreams.

Dec. 15th, 2015


"I start this tale in the year 2061. I was a happy lad, you see. I was a teacher, a teacher for the infamous APP. What is the APP you ask? Well, I'll tell you my story for you will see, there's no one out there that's quite like me."

"My name is Lars Erickson, or as the APP calls me, #2189. I was a teacher for the APP or Ardent Paficists Party. I lived in a communal bedroom outside the hall of an old office building in Washington DC. My job was to seek out and 'teach' the infidelic floogs who seemed incapable of any kind of communication or intellect, you see."

"What is a floog you ask? Well, a floog is a person who escaped our euthanization chambers as they are deemed defective by the APP. They cost the party money and therefore cannot be in society. They also translate into our former beings; before the APP came to be. The APP came into power shortly after 2016 election when an unknown won the presidency. He ravaged and raved with fear, so the UN took upon themselves to call upon the act known as NIMBA or Not In My Backyard Act. It was passed unaminously and put forth into law on September 17, 2017 at 1:45 AM. NIMBA failed almost immediately as our closest allies at the time turned their backs on us and declared war. This led to the invasion of several countries on September 30, 2017 by the Russian presidency and catapulted us into WWIII. At the same time, the APP became powerful and had a huge backing which led to us having a second civil war, which lasted 9 years. It was the Neo-Feds vs the Neo-Cons and the Neo-Feds were backed by the APP, which landed them a decisive victory at the Battle of Los Angeles on September 15, 2026. The APP had assumed temporary power during the civil war, however, once the Neo-Feds won, all hell broke loose."

"The APP banned the following things immediately: any and all weapons(including kitchen utensils), any and all religions(including atheism), any and all consumption of food and beverages not approved by the APP(the only thing that could be consumed was water; no food), clothing, shoes, any and all forms of communication(including the Internet and technology as we know it), families, any unnecessary amounts of children, any and all forms of currency(including precious metals and jewels), any and all forms of law enforcement(including all remaining political parties, congress, senate, and the supreme court), trading, vehicles, trains, ships, airplanes, helicopters, light rail, horses, electricity, any and all sports and forms of recreation, books,any and all forms of art, movies, TV shows, any and all forms of music, any and all defective people(even those who wore glasses or had allergies), any and all words or phrases considered negative(even the word no), education, fire departments, medicine, any and all makeup, and any and all perceived luxury goods. To make sure that no one died, they infused the water with any and all possible nutrients you would need to survive. The APP declared their party rulers for eternity and everyone bowed down to them like it was nothing. Over time, things became peaceful and things were put into motion so that the mistakes of the past wouldn't happen again."

"There were several creations of needed departments to ensure everyone that things will be right again. The YCA, ECD, BNA, LA, IHA, DDC, and APP HQ were created shortly after everything was banned. The YCA was the Youth Career Assignment center and it was managed by my dear friend Gwendolyn Uecker or #7354. She was the prettiest girl you'd ever seen. She had long blonde hair, ruby red lips, and had the cutest dimples on her cheeks. She lived in Baltimore in an old factory building near Sector 7G. I knew I couldn't be with her as I was assigned to my wife Felicia Flanders; a cold, calculating, despondent woman whose father was head of the YCA. Felicia Flanders was a spoiled brat who spent all her time raiding shops and trying on forbidden clothes. She even had me arrested once when she was caught with the goods, saying I was forcing her to want clothes. I spent 3 months in jail, during which time I was subjected to psychotropic medication consisting of an LSD/Adderall/Rohypnol/STP cocktail. While we the people couldn't use anything of that nature, the APP sure could! I became addicted to the Adderall and was sent to a re-NIMBAfication camp in western Pennsylvania. I came back happy as could be or so I thought. I ran into Gwendolyn on my night out and was instantly smitten with her once more. We ran into an old bakery not from her home and made love. We knew we would be killed if we were found as while the APP taught us to love and withstill our need for violence, they used violence the same way a crackhead would use crack after getting a much needed fix. They craved violence so much that it was an act of love in their eyes. They bathed in blood and yearned for the day when they could kill us all as that would be the ultimate high."

"After Gwendolyn and I made love, we threw away our badges and ran. We ran so far and so fast that no one could catch up to us as any and all forms of exercise had been banned for 'safety reasons' back in 2031. We made it to Virginia and spent the night in a cave, knowing full well that we would be killed if they found us. The next day, we took to the riverbeds and acted as though we were passing on our way to our new home. We got to central Virginia when a young man hit me with a shoe. It was a floog, yet he seemed so familiar. I gazed upon him and there it was, a twinkle in his eye. It was my old friend Dom! Dominick O'Brien was once one of the most powerful men in the APP. He headed the Location Assignment depot. He was a big man, about 6'4" with a belly so wide you'd swear he'd eaten three men. He invited us to his cave where he spent the evening and told us the tale of how he came to be in these woods. He was heading the LA like usual when one day he'd been arrested for treason. He was said to have given aid and comfort to the enemy, the Neo-Con army. He plead guilty in the hopes of lieniency with his family. The APP however put his family to death, including his two small children. It drove him mad and when he was sent to prison, he escaped and took off deep into the woods. He met an old man there one day who looked healthy as can be, he even offered a bite to eat. Dom had never tasted actual food before and in the blink of an eye, he had eaten 144 hamburgers and cheeseburgers. He felt mighty full and mighty good too. He went to bed that night happy as he could be and decided to stay here the next day. He lived here with the old man til he passed away, then Dom took over the cabin and eventually became the leader of the VA division of the Neo-Con. We decided to stay with Dom and help the Neo-Con get rid of NIMBA and the APP. We had a lot fun and things were looking up, until one day a few years ago."

"Dom had fired back at some Neo-Fed regime looking for two other followers of the Neo-Con. In came Ward Anderson and Waylon Klein. Waylon was a good guy who came from somewhere in Georgia. Ward on the other hand was mean and spiteful. He hated everything and wanted only riches and jewelry for himself. Ward Anderson or #3184 was a menial laborer for the BNA or Baby Name Assignment depot. He catered to the higher ups, only to be shot down each time. He also had a wife and son back home in Wisconsin. Waylon Klein or #3152 was a widower who'd seen his share of war and knew how to handle a rifle. He hated Ward with a passion and felt something wasn't right about him. One day while rifling through some things, Ward came about something that change the course of history. It was a map dated in 2015. It showed the world and what the country looked like. It also showed the location of a secret hideaway, hidden beneath a cove in the Atlantic Ocean. He showed it to us and insisted that we go there and find out what this is all about. We said no and he stormed off without telling us where he was headed. He showed to the commander of the Neo-Con and we were ordered to go see it and investigate the cove. We took enough food to last us through the trip and headed off. Three days went by and we were nowhere near the ocean, let alone the cove. We were tired, hungry, and thirsty. We decided to settle down for the night and each person would keep an eye on the food in case of wild animals should come by. Dom went first, then me, then Gwendolyn, then Waylon, and finally Ward. The next day, we woke up and none other than Arnold Greenbuckle was there."

"Whose Arnold Greenbuckle you ask? Well, he's the leader of the APP. He and his army of Neo-Feds had been tipped off to our location by one Ward Anderson. He also had the map and a copy of every known hideout and cave system in the area. He is best described as a snake-eyed, bucktoothed, ratface with a green alligator skinned suit, solid gold dress shirt, a necktie comprised entirely of sapphires, and brown leather shoes. He told us that if we gave ourselves up, we'd be given lieniency in our sentencing, but we didn't believe him and chose to fight. He had the Neo-Feds round up some Neo-Cons and said we had to have an even chance for fighting. The Neo-Feds came back with some Neo-Cons and the battle was on. We fought and shot as hard as we could and won, albeit barely. Arnold Greenbuckle got away and Dom was nearly killed. The Neo-Cons smuggled some medical supplies from the Neo-Feds and we took care of Dom. We went a while yonder before Dom dropped to his knees one day and said this: "Take me home fellas, take me home." We knew what we had to do. It was painful, but we had no choice. After the Neo-Con heard about the deception that Ward did to us and the death of Dom, he'd had enough and did the ultimate thing too. We continued on as did the Neo-Con. Ward became head of the Neo-Feds and had an ambush waiting for us at the cove, but we were ready. We had a battle brigade of the Neo-Con NC division by our side and they had the Neo-Fed brigade ME division. A fierce battle wore on for days and weeks. Things were looking good when Ward killed off our best fighter, Waylon. I was overcome with grief and emotion, things that your not allowed to have under APP law. I took that bayonet and jammed it right between his eyes. The Neo-Feds sped off into the sunset and were never seen in those parts again. We buried Waylon where we said he'd be buried one day; under the old oak tree near his home. We went back north and continued on our journey. We reached the cove about a week and headed for the sea. We swam and we swam til you found us a day or two later. Then we woke up here and we were brought before this tribunal."

The judge pondered a bit and sat down with the three wisest men in the room. After much deliberation, Lars and Gwendolyn were allowed to stay. They settled into their new chamber and a few months later, welcomed a healthy baby girl that they named Dominique, in honor of their friend Dom. They married a short time later and were settled into their lines of work. Lars became head of the International Neo-Con and seated in the wise chamber during its session. Gwendolyn became the teacher of International Neo-Con elementary school and made it so that those deemed unworthy or floogs would get the same education and opportunities as everyone else. Meanwhile, they prepared for when the inevitable day would come when the International Neo-Con would come face to face with Arnold Greenbuckle and the APP and this time, they would be ready.

Dec. 10th, 2015

I'm Dreading of a White Christmas

We start our episode in New York City where Dr. Venture is heading to the X-1.

Dean: Are you sure you wanna go through with it pop?

Dr. Venture: I have to Dean. I'll get 20 years if I don't and I'm pretty sure I'd be a career drug mule if that I go inside.

Pete and Billy walk over to the hangar and are greeted by Dean.

Dr. Venture: Why are you here Pete? I thought you'd be hitting it up in Florida with Billy and Action Man.

Pete: We...can't go back there; there was a little mix up involving lemon square bars and a deposition hearing ensued afterwards.

Dr. Venture: Do I even wanna know?

Billy: Captain Albino here decided to bring a bag of cocaine with him to the retirement home and when my mom made her famous lemon square bars, Pete put the bag of cocaine right next to the powdered sugar and my mom took her glasses off for a few minutes to wipe the sweat off her forehead; she mistook the bag of cocaine for the powdered sugar and by the time 'someone' realized it, it was too late. 33 people died of heart failure and Action Man nearly had a coronary. Colonel Gentleman seemed to enjoy them though. My mom and Action Man got kicked out and are now living in a showboat off the Baja Peninsula coast.

Dr. Venture: Do you think your mom and stepdad can get me some peyote?

Billy: Rusty! This is serious!

Dean: Weren't you supposed to go to that deposition hearing last week pop? It probably would've kept them in their home.

Dr. Venture[nervous]: Dean my boy, its time for you to go on your world tour with State University! Here's a million dollars; don't spend it all in one place like you did last week at the chateau! [pushes Dean into limo, limo drives off]

Dr. Venture: Bye son!

Pete: What was that about Rusty?

Dr. Venture: Oh, nothing. Dean's been a bit of a lolligagger these days. Hey Billy! Would you like to see an unauthorized clip about the making of the Rusty Venture Show? I'll even let you meet the people who are going to be in the movie!

Billy: Sweet! Hi five! [runs into the studio]

Dr. Venture: That should keep him busy for a few days. So, what are your plans now that you can't see Billy's mom?

Pete: I'm not sure, thought we'd----[an email comes through and Pete freaks when he sees who its from]

Dr. Venture: Is the IRS putting a lien on the trailer again?

Pete: Worse, its family.

Dr. Venture: Is Sylvia okay?

Pete: It's not Sylvia, its M-M-M-M---[Dr. Venture looks at email, flips out]


Pete: I know. I haven't told Billy about her and I'm afraid of what'll happen if she meets him.

Dr. Venture: It'll be okay Pete; just get arrested like you did last time she was in town.

Pete: Can't Rusty, it'll be my third strike.

Dr. Venture: I'm surprised you didn't get your third strike after what happened in Florida.

Pete: It was an accident Rusty! I got acquitted didn't I?

Dr. Venture: Whatever Pete. Just so you know, the answer is no; I'm not hiding you here this year! It's bad enough OSI is making me see Hank, I don't need this shit added to the mix!

Pete: When do you have to leave?

Dr. Venture: Six hours. Wanna get a few beers at the bar? I think I have some LSD on hand if you want any.

Pete: Sure thing Rusty!

Twelve hours later, Brock drags Pete and Dr. Venture back from the bar. Dr. Venture is tied up and thrown on the X-1, which takes off for Hank's place. Pete and Billy spend the night at the studio and Brock puts them on the Greyhound the next day. After that, Brock goes home to Nebraska to spend time with his mother's side of the family while Sgt. Hatred goes to his family's place in Zephyr Hills, Florida.

A few days have passed and Pete and Billy arrive home. Dr. Venture is also nearby at a place that even he wouldn't go to on his worst day ever.

Dr. Venture: What's that smell?

24: It's the communal bathroom. [Dr. Venture looks at shoe and throws up]

Dr. Venture: I thought the Monarch paid you better than this.

24: Good one sir, the last time I had a paycheck from the Monarch was when I was 15. He basically takes our paychecks and uses it for food, clothing, weapons, broadband, and gambling on rabbit racing in the South Seas.

Dr. Venture: Does his wife know?

24: I wouldn't be employed if she did. Well, here's home sweet home! [a grove of trees with several dead bodies laying on the ground]

Hank: Oh look, its the old man. See your still looking like death on a stick.

Dr. Venture: When was the last time you showered Hank?

Hank: 19 days ago. It's also the last time I used a toilet and brushed my hair.

Dr. Venture: I'll take your word on that. Are you even eating?

Hank: Totally. Dermott faked a bunch of injuries and three fast food places gave him free food for life as a settlement reward. I don't ever have to eat healthy food again!

Dr. Venture: Okay....I'm going to go to town and buy a few things. You want anything?

Hank: Some TP and a bunch of Ho-Ho's, Nutty Bars, Kit-Kats, Ding-Dongs, Twinkies, Funnyons, and Mountain Dew.

Dr. Venture: Sure thing son. [walks as fast as possible to get away from Hank]

24 flies over to him and stops him.

Dr. Venture: Out of my way Gary. I don't wanna be anywhere near this place!

24: You know you still have to see him per OSI rules, right?

Dr. Venture: It's doesn't specify his home! Tell you what, if I talk to the Monarch's wife about the conditions and lack of pay for the henchmen, will you make sure that Hank at least bathes once a week and that he has a toilet for his own personal use?

24: Only if you get Hank some personal goods every month and the things that he asked you to get just now.

Dr. Venture: Deal. I'll even throw in some insulin so I don't get a manslaughter conviction.

While Dr. Venture and 24 go to get Hank some things, we go to the trailer where Billy is about to open the door and unleash some carnage.

[doorbell ringing]

Pete: Billy! Will you get the door? I'm still stuck in the bathroom, that lamb curry went right through me!

Billy: Okay, fine. I told you not to get the expired lamb curry from the gas station but do you listen to me, no!

Billy opens the door and Milly appears. Billy is instantly smitten with her.

Milly: Hello, you must be Billy. Pete's posted a lot of pictures of you on the Internet hoping to make a profit.

Billy: Come right in and sit down. Who are you and how do know Pete?

Milly: My name is Millicent White; I'm Pete's sister. You can call me Milly for short.

Pete comes out about ten minutes later.

Pete: Don't go in there for awhile Billy, its horrible. I also think I'm going to need to see a docto---[shrieks like girl]

Billy: I take it you don't get along with your sister.

Milly: He's just mad because of a few things we did as kids.

Pete: You tried to kill me by locking me out of the house in 90 degree weather when I was 10!

Milly: Next time don't make fun of me because of my height; I can't help it that I'm 3'10" due to a genetic condition. Do you make fun of Billy because of his speech impediment and macrocephaly?

Billy: I've often wondered about that to be honest.

Pete: Billy! You know I would never do that! Remember the time I turned the firehose on those kids that were picking on you?

Billy: Yeah, and you ended up hitting a beehive and I got stung over a hundred times!

Pete: I got rid of the kids, didn't I?

Milly: I was wondering Pete if you and Billy are---

Billy: What is she implying? Is it what I think it is?

Pete[very nervous]: I'm gonna go to the store in Calexico and pick up a few things, be back soon! [runs like mad]

Billy: Calexico is three hours away! What the hell is his problem anyway?

Milly: He never told you, did he? Good thing I was able to convert these tapes to DVD. You might wanna look at these. [puts DVD in]

While Billy watches the DVD, Milly slips into something a little more comfortable.

Billy: That actually explains a lot. Is he in counseling for any of this?

Milly: Only once when he was a boy. He blamed me for what happened to him when I made him walk home in 110 degree heat from the beach after he tried to unhook my bikini bra.

Billy: Serves him right for what he di----[sees Milly naked]

Billy: Pete's gonna kill me for this! He hits me on the head with game consoles whenever I remember anything from before 1994!

Milly: He does? That's terrible! I'll fix that when he gets home! In the meantime, its time for an adult version of Quizboys; subject: anatomy. [has sex with Billy]

Three days pass and Pete finally musters up the courage to go home.

Pete: Hey Billy, sorry about earli---[sees Milly and Billy naked; collapses]

We go to the end of the episode in which its the day after Easter and many things have happened in Venture universe during Christmas. Dr. Venture honored 24's request to talk to Dr. Mrs. The Monarch about what the true conditions of the henchmen are under threat of execution under the OSI/Guild treaty known as Desmond's Law and Dr. Mrs. The Monarch is beyond horrified. She makes the Monarch build the henchmen a 24 apartment building complex and the Monarch is now sleeping in a patch of crabgrass and cockleburs. Hank chooses to sleep in the grove of trees for the most part as he become accustomed to that sort of living. Dr. Venture makes sure he has personal goods and lots of snack food at his disposal(and when he feels generous, he throws in some insulin). 24 makes sure that Hank does basic hygiene and that he has a toilet for his personal use. Dean came back in time for Dr. Venture to give him a solid gold flute for Christmas and nearly kills Dean by giving him some hasty pudding and forgetting once again that Dean is allergic to hasty pudding. Brock and his mom had a great Christmas and he got to see his niece and three nephews, followed by helping his favorite football team win the Super Bowl. Orpheus sends the Ventures postcards on occasion as he is still helping Shallow Gravy on their US tour(Hank had to miss some of it due to throat surgery). 24 got to see the new Star Wars movie over 500 times as a reward/much needed vacation for his work that year. He and the henchmen also got a huge raise. Billy has been in a relationship with Milly, much to Pete's chagrin and all hell is about to break loose......

Billy: Let's see here; bill, bill, another restraining order for Pete, bill---Hey! It's a postcard from Milly, hi five! [reads postcard, becomes very despondent]

Pete: Oh no, did she break up with you? I'm telling you she does this with everyone Billy! Three people on the football team killed themselves after she broke with them my senior year. [looks at postcard, becomes beyond pissed]

Billy[panic stricken on phone]: RUSTY! It's Billy, he's flipped his lid again, come get me NOW!

Pete[knife in hand]: Billy, oh Billy. Come out, come out wherever you are. I promise it won't hurt much, Billy.......[slips out of window, meets up with Brock]

Brock: Where's White at Billy? Is he on another coke binge?

Billy: Worse!

Brock: Oh god, please don't be meth.

Billy: It's not a drug binge! I knocked up his sister Milly! He's coming to kill me!

Brock: Oh god. I'll sneak you onboard the hovercraft, no one will know you're there.

Billy: What about the thing beforehand?

Brock: I'll give Gathers a bunch of opium before he goes to bed, he'll be cool with you then.

Billy: Okay, what'll I do about Milly?

Brock: Learn Lamaze and make sure she's comfortable. [hears hovercraft overhead]

Brock: Climb into my knapsack Billy. [Billy climbs in]

Brock: 3,2,1---[climbs onto ladder and escapes Pete, who is own consuming mass quantities of meth and heroin]

Brock: Throw him some Narcan, he's gonna need it later. [a crate of Narcan drops from the hovercraft and the hovercraft flies into the sunset]

Nov. 23rd, 2015

Live From New York, It's A Venture Thanksgiving!

We start our episode in NYC at the new Venture Compound. Everyone has adjusted very well to their new lifestyle, everyone that is but Hank. Hank misses Dermott, Nikki, and Brock more than anything and is craving fun and excitement.

Dr. Venture: Come on Hank! We have 15 minutes to catch the E Train!

Hank: I'm not going.

Dr. Venture: What was that Hank?

Hank: You heard me, I'm not going.

Dr. Venture: Give me one good reason why you won't go Hank!

Hank: I hate it here! I miss Dermott, Nikki, and Brock and I want an adventure!

Dr. Venture: You can see Dermott and Nikki anytime and Brock is on a mission in Tibet. If its an adventure you want, well boy you're gonna get it because Dean is performing at State University for their annual Thanksgiving concert; he's 2nd chair flute!

Hank: I'm not going and that's final!

Dr. Venture: Then you leave me no choice; guards! Escort him off the premises, he is to have no access to this property ever again!

Hank is thrown off the property and begins to wander the streets of NYC when it starts raining.

Hank: Oh great, the sky's crying! Now what? [thunder and lightning start up]

Hank wanders the streets some more and a car rolls up to him. A window rolls down and its 24.

24: What are you doing out here in this severe thunderstorm Hank? I thought your dad kept you on a leash.

Hank: I got thrown off the premises because I refused to see Dean's concert at State University, he's 2nd chair flute and has a solo.

24: Finally! You can come back west with me Hank, I'm having Thanksgiving dinner at my sister's house in Youngstown, Ohio though first.

Hank: That's okay Gary. It'll be nice to be back home.

While Hank gets in 24's car, a group of rogue Guild members watches them from a rooftop.

Member 1: What now?

Member 2: Tail them and intercept them after they enter Ohio.

Over the next few days, things seem to going well. Dean had his concert and got promoted to 1st chair flute after the former 1st chair mysteriously disappeared(Dean had a guard kill him with antifreeze). Dr. Venture has the turkey in the oven while he, Sgt. Hatred, and Dean are making the sides. Dr. Orpheus is keeping an eye on Hank via astral projection while Al and Shoreleave are cooking a tofurkey and making vegan side dishes. Brock is back from Tibet and is getting ready to do his yearly volunteer shift at the soup kitchen near Malice. Pete and Billy are in Vegas with Billy's mom and the original Team Venture celebrating Billy's mom and Action Man getting married. Monarch and Dr. Mrs. The Monarch are making Thanksgiving dinner for the orphaned children in Malice while the henchmen are murdering people for the money needed to get the orphaned children gifts. Hank and 24 have just crossed into Ohio when evil happens.

24: Oh great, the engine light came on. I told 87 to fix the carburetor. Hold on Hank, I'll pull over and call a tow truck.

As soon as 24 pulls over, the group of rogue Guild members ambush them and take them hostage. 24 is able to give out a distress signal to AAA, who alerts the Monarch to the situation.

Monarch: Damnit! Why does this shit always happen on the holidays? [darts four people]

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Monarch! Not in front of the kids! If you need to kill someone, do it outside! [sees the distress signal]

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Oh shit. Code Yellow! Code Yellow!

The code yellow is dispersed throughout the organizations.

Dean: Why is there a code yellow?

Orpheus: It's because young Hank and 24 have been taken captive by a group of rogue Guild members and they need to be rescued immediately!

Sgt. Hatred: We have to help them Doc!

Dr. Venture: No we don't. Hank isn't officially a part of Team Venture anymore and 24 works for the Monarch. Now then, who wants to help with the scalloped potatoes?

Dean and Dr. Venture stay behind to finish Thanksgiving while Sgt. Hatred and Orpheus go to help Hank and 24. They are met up with Brock, Monarch, Al, Jefferson Twilight, Pete, Billy, and the original Team Venture.

Colonel Gentleman: Rally Team Venture!


Monarch: I can't believe I just said that!

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Me either, but its a code yellow so we kinda have to. Now then, let's get these two back alive!

A major battle ensues in which many rogue Guild members are killed. Hank and 24 are freed by Pete and Billy while Brock dismantles the fierce henchman armada. We come up to the leader of the rogue Guild members when Hank realizes he's wearing a mask.

Hank: Let's see whose behind the mask.

Everyone: Dr. Scorchley!?

A while later, the police come to take Dr. Scorchley to the Guild Asylum and find out why he took Hank and 24.

Monarch: Sweetie, how did you know it was him?

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch: Look at the engine Malcolm. See how its melted down? Only Dr.Scorchley and the Human Torch can do such a thing and the Human Torch is serving 25 years for 1st degree manslaughter. What I'd like to know is why?

Dr. Scorchley: Hank and his band were supposed to perform for my daughter's 15th birthday; when they didn't show, she ran away and got hit by a train a few days later. My wife left me and took the kids to San Juan, Puerto Rico. I also lost the house and my life savings.

Hank: I might know how to make things slightly better before he goes up the river for 10-15.

Monarch: It better be good Hank.

Hank: Well....

We go to the end of the episode when its been a week since Thanksgiving happened. Dr. Venture ate too much turkey and fell asleep behind the wheel of a brand new BMW, which he crashed into a horde of Black Friday shoppers, killing 53 people. Dean nearly died after eating a slice of pecan pie because Dr. Venture forgot to tell him that he had a pecan allergy. Brock, Hank, and The Order of the Triad joined the original Team Venture in Vegas and were later joined by the Monarch and Dr. Mrs. The Monarch. Things have been really quiet as of late and Dr. Venture and Dean are tuning into an episode of SNL.

Dr. Venture: Where's Hatred? He never misses this.

SNL announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Sgt. Hatred! [applause]

Sgt. Hatred: Thank you, thank you! We decided to commandeer the show tonight to pay tribute to this special little girl you see on the screen here; good ol' Rachel Sue. Rachel Sue Wagner died in the most horrible way possible a few months ago and she never got a proper sendoff. So, we decided to commandeer and give her old man the funeral she never had before he goes to jail for 5-15 for kidnapping and grand larceny. Without further ado, here's her favorite band Shallow Gravy! [applause]

Dr. Venture: What the hell is this, some kind of a gag?

Dean: It's not pop. I tried calling the studio and was told that you and I aren't allowed within 3 inches of the studio.

Dr. Venture: What the hell? I can't change the channel.

Orpheus[astral projection]: You did this to yourself Thaddeus. By the way, I'm going to be away for a few months, Shallow Gravy is on a US tour. Ta-ta boys!

Dr. Venture: Oh my God, what did they do to Weekend Update?

SNL announcer: Weekend Update with The Monarch and Pete White!

Monarch: Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Before we get on with the news, Pete and I thought we'd share some of Dr. Thaddeus Venture's most embarrassing and disturbing photos.

Pete: That's right Monarch. Here's a real embarrassing one from 9th grade. You can see that he has.....

Dr. Venture: NOOOOOOO! [collapses]

Dean: I'm not cleaning that up. Better go on Facebook and see how Tracy's doing.

H.E.L.P.eR: 011011000101

Dean: It's not stalking H.E.L.P.eR! [goes to his room]

Oct. 3rd, 2015

Plan B & Plan C

I know I wrote an earlier post about where I was going late next year, however, due to circumstances beyond my control(WV cut all services down to the bare minimum and then some and I don't want to wait 3-5 years for state insurance for those with disabilities and affordable housing); I'm now going to go to either Plan B or Plan C late next year; it depends on which one opens up first.

Plan B is to move to Salt Lake City, Utah. I have a cousin who lives in Salt Lake City and is willing to help me get settled in. I visited there in July 2013 for a SABE meeting and fell in love with the city right away. They have a wonderful light rail system and it is very easy to navigate the city as it is on a grid system. I also like the climate and the people are very friendly. Plan C is to move to the Phoenix metro area. Phoenix was my original Plan B, however, after a series of laws were recently passed that significantly curtailed affordable housing opportunities, Phoenix got relegated to Plan C status.

I've made inquiries on both areas and each one has different guidelines about how to transfer things, some of which are very confusing and have a bunch of legal jargon which is difficult to interpret at best. I'm hoping to get my name on a waiting list in each area soon and the first one that opens up is one I'm going to as I can't stand being in Minnesota anymore and the thing that happened to me on September 15 is the straw that breaks the camels back. All I am saying is that something really bad happened to me while I was on my first date since June 2014 and the police took the guy's side. I got chastised for 'letting him in the house' and for going out on a date in the first place because 'people like me always get into this kind of trouble whenever we go on any kind of romantic encounter'. Most of my friends have also taken his side and I've been made out to be a whore and then some.

If it were totally up to me(and if I had enough money), I'd go to an island in the Mediterranean and spend the rest of my life there as I won't be able cause any damage or chaos whenever I encounter people.

Aug. 18th, 2015


We start our story with a group of four people traveling to meet a relative of one the four passengers for a weekend of fun in the Ozarks. The four people in the car have been friends since high school and are in college together. The leader of the group is Duncan, a tall and wiry fellow whose on the college football team as the team's quarterback and is studying to be a rheumatologist, like his father before him. The person next to him is his good friend Madelyn or Maddie as she liked to be called. She was of average height and weight and studying to be a teacher. The person behind her was Wilton, her fiance of three years. They were high school sweethearts and the best of friends. He was also of average height and weight and studying to be a financial officer at a local bank in their hometown. The last person was Ralph, a clumsy guy who was a little overweight. He was studying to be a computer technician.

As the quartet make their way from the middle of Texas to the home of Maddie's aunt Hildegarde up the Ozark Mountains for a weekend of fun and swimming, she told the group "Stay on the main road. Don't take any shortcuts like you normally do. I mean it, stay on the main road!" The group said "Okay!" and went on their way; however, Duncan decided that Maddie's aunt Hildegarde was being too cautious and panicky over nothing and that they should explore the area where Oklahoma, Missouri, Kansas, and Arkansas meet. The others said "Cool! Let's explore!" and went on an unmarked road. They came to a four way stop and suddenly a loud crash came from the engine and smoke started billowing up. The four got out fast and looked to see where they were. They saw a sign that pointed in a few directions. If they went straight, they would be heading straight for the Ozark Mountains, however, the nearest town was 150 miles away and way too far to walk. If they went right, they would be heading for rolling hills and cornfields as far as the eye could see and the nearest town was 25 miles away and none of them wanted to walk that far. If they went back the way they came, there would be a 50 mile hike to the nearest farmhouse. A part of Duncan thought that they should either go back or go right, however, when they saw a sign that said Andrewson and that it was 3 miles to the left of them, they decided to go left and get help in Andrewson. Little did they realize that their lives would forever change once they decided to go to Andrewson.

They walked along the dusty state highway until they came upon the town of Andrewson with a population of 5,973. They jumped for joy and made their way to a gas station called Keymania(pronounced KaymainIay). The quartet were tired and hungry, however, they also wanted to explore the town. Duncan decided to go to the sheriff and get some help from a towing agency. Maddie and Wilton took off and explored the town while Ralph went into the gas station and sat down at the diner. He found a barstool at a counter and looked around. Everyone in their was so big and eating lots of food. It also looked like they couldn't get enough food, no matter how much they ate or drank. The waitress comes by and says "What'll you have hun?" The waitress is a big lady with blonde brassy curly hair that is in a mini beehive mode and glasses reminiscent of the 1950's. Ralph hesitated for a minute and eeked out "A piece of blueberry pie, please." "Coming right up!" said the waitress. A few minutes later, Ralph received his pie, only that's not what he got. Instead, he a huge piece of blueberry pie with nearly half a can of whipped cream, twenty scoops of ice cream, and a jar of maraschino cherries, all with the brand name of Andrewson Pharmaceuticals. Ralph looked at that huge piece of pie and wasn't sure what to do. He heard his stomach grumbling so hard as the aroma of the food was driving him wild and he wasn't sure if he could eat it all. Then after a few minutes of careful deliberation, he went face first into the pie and it was so succulent and mouth watering that he ate it in no time at all. The waitress came by and said "What's your next course there Ralph?" Ralph yelled "ANYTHING! JUST GET ME ANYTHING!" The waitress smiled and said "You got it sugar, and by the way, your cute."

Meanwhile, Maddie and Wilton had been exploring the town and saw such exquisite, opulent homes. They were in awe with how beautiful everything seemed to be, however, they too were getting hungry and thirsty and staggered back to the gas station. They walked in and saw Ralph, who had tripled his weight in nearly three hours, yet was so happy and joyful that he couldn't stop eating and drinking anything he could get his hands on. The waitress asked them "What do you want?" Maddie and Wilton weren't sure what to do, yet they too started hearing the grumbling of their stomachs and said "What do ya got?"

As the sun started setting, Duncan was tired, hungry, and thirsty. He had been walking in circles all day and couldn't find a policeman to find him. He was near a cornfield near some of the opulent homes when a small boy who was very obese offered him a caramel apple that was dipped in nuts. He took the apple and was about to eat it when a tall and very lanky man smacked it out of his hands and took him to the part of town that no one would see. It was cold and desolate. Everyone there was thin and emaciated. Duncan was terrified and demanded to know why he was there. A man in his mid-thirties came from out of the shadows and introduced himself. "My name is Langdon Wells. I'm the leader of the Skeletal Resistance. I'm sure by now you've seen how the townspeople look and how they behave. Come with me and I'll show you how these people came to be." Langdon and a group of followers take Duncan to an abandoned part of town near a cornfield where it is heavily guarded and everyone in the area had on an extra industrial strength type of hazmat suit on them. He then saw how people were being thoroughly tested and checked for any signs of chemtrail. Langdon then had his followers and Duncan crouch down near the cornfield. "You see Duncan, this place used to be a happy place. There were lots of farms, homes, a schoolyard, playground, and many things for people to do and see. Then, in 1914, a company came by and bought the town. His name was Andrewson, James T. Andrewson. He changed the name of the town from Rolling Meadows to Andrewson or as he pronounced it, Anderson. Shortly thereafter, Andrewson Pharmaceuticals came to be and they received unlimited funding from the federal government to create cures, ideas, and innovations. Andrewson wasn't interested in helping people, he was interested in creating a substance so addictive and so powerful that anyone who ingested it would be forever held in its power as withdrawl of any kind would make the person commit suicide due to unprecedented amounts of pain and suffering. He developed several prototypes and when they failed, he decided to create a new one based on a formula he'd dreamnt up when he was in an insane asylum in 1903. He combined several archaic ingredients combined with various food additives and protocols in his failed prototypes and came up with the substance known as Andrewsonium. He tested it on several people and it worked better than he'd ever hoped for. The people craved his formula and demanded more, so he put it in every known form of food and water supply in the area. By 1923, the government became aware of the problem, however, instead of trying to stop it, they gave him more and more money. By the end of WWII, all of the townspeople were severely obese and could barely do the simplest things. Andrewson was well into his 80's and knew he would die soon if he wasn't permanently preserved. So he had the sheriff and the owner/head waitress of KaymainIay injected with a serum that could keep them young forever, however, there was a price. They were his living slaves and would do anything he said for them to do and any disobedience would be an immediate death. After that, Andrewson had them inject with an experimental cocktail he'd been working that would bring about psychic abilities so that he could keep an eye on the town. It worked, albeit too well as he soon began having psychokinesis powers and became a ruthless tyrant in the town. He then had the opulent homes you see before you constructed and had all those who were thin and unable to eat or drink anything abandoned and exiled to the piece of town that we took you to. Over the years, synthetic versions of Andrewsonium were made and put into everything the people ate and drank with the brand label of Andrewson Pharmaceuticals. Eventually, the town began dying off due to the long term effects of the substance and Andrewson demanded more people be brought into town so that he could continue his reign of terror and so that his pharmaceutical company could continue getting unlimited funding from the federal government. That's when the sign you saw at that four way stop came up. The only parts of that sign that are true is the one about Andrewson only being three miles away on your left. The other places are less than ten miles away at most and aren't contaminated like we are." Just then, a group of people cart off someone who has been exposed to the substance to a nearby dumping ground where the sheriff picks them up, takes off their hazmat suit, and brings them to the gas station where they become just like the townspeople. "Why did they do that to the poor man? They easily could've just washed it off." said Duncan. "For a time, that's what they did, however, the people who were exposed to the substance were committing suicide at high rates or were trying everything they possibly could to get the substance. After thirty people committed suicide in one day, Andrewson imposed a law stating that anyone who works for the pharmaceutical company that gets exposed to the substance is to be immediately removed and taken to town where they become part of the townspeople." Duncan was visibly horrified by what he had heard and seen. "Why haven't you been able to stop this terrible thing?" "Because Andrewson is all knowing and all seeing. If he finds us anywhere near this area, he'll kill us. Let's go back to our side of town and see how things are." The group makes their way back to their part of town when Duncan sees his car at the gas station. "My car! What is it doing here?" asked Duncan. "It's obviously a trick to get you to eat at the diner Duncan. Let's go." said Langdon. "But what of my friends? Are they in there too?" asked Duncan. "Most likely Duncan. Come on, let's get back to our side of town before Andrewson finds us." said Langdon. "I need to see for myself!" said Duncan and rushed into the gas station with Langdon yelling "NO DUNCAN! STOP BEFORE ITS TOO LATE!" Duncan rushed in and saw what became of his friends. They were too busy eating to recognize him. He stood there for a moment and rushed out the door and ran about town where he came about the cornfield where he saw the little boy. He offered Duncan another caramel apple topped with nuts and Duncan heavily contemplated eating it. Instead, he dropped to his knees and broke down crying.

Langdon brought him back to their part of town and sat him down for awhile. After Duncan calmed down, he asked Langdon "If the food and water is contaminated, how do you survive?" Langdon said "By a special blend of recipes handed down from generation to generation, before Andrewson arrived. As I told you before, several of the people were abandoned and exiled here after WWII because they too thin and unable to eat or drink anything. That's because they had a recessive gene that made them immune to Andrewsonium and its related substances. We were able to further keep that gene going by carefully selecting and breeding those that had the strongest gene pool mutation. Those that weren't able to breed became fighters and workers of the land. We named ourselves the Skeletal Resistance because we don't want any part of connotation with the outside world. That's why we wouldn't let you take your electronic devices or other valuables with you when we brought you here. My daughter Rosalie brought you here after I saved you from the first apple. She cleaned you and bathed you and took the photos from your electronic devices and made copies of them so that you'll have memories of your loved ones. She fell in love with you as soon as she laid eyes on you and you did too." "How did you know that?" asked Duncan. Langdon got up and showed Duncan the birthmark on his back and chest; it was a birthmark of a type of pentagram, common in medevial folklore. "You see Duncan, I am one of Andrewson's sons. I possess the same genetic mutation that the others did. When my father found out, he had me abandoned and exiled. He also branded me with these birthmarks, just like he did all the others. I too possess his psychic ability as well as some form of psychokinesis, however, it was not enough to overpower him in his attempt to reclaim the land back in the late 90's and as a result, my wife and Rosalie's mother died in that attempt. I've never forgiven myself for it and will do everything in my power to avenge the deaths of her and all others before her as well as freeing this town of his evil influence. Please, Duncan, will you join me and Rosalie?"

We end our story a year after it began. Duncan and Rosalie are married and are expecting their first child. Duncan has had several battles with Andrewson and as a result, has been branded with both birthmarks. Duncan often weeps for his lost friends and lost loved ones, knowing that he can never again see them, hear them, touch them, talk to them, or feel them. Rosalie comforts him and shows him images of them from time to time. Ralph, Maddie, and Wilton have settled into their new lives as part of the townspeople. Ralph lives with the head waitress and is romantically involved with her. Maddie and Wilton live nearby and are married with three children as the substance also produces hyper fertility in people who possess a certain genome. Maddie and Wilton are seeing watching TV while the maid and butlers that Andrewson provided for them tend to their whim, especially when it comes to food. As we zoom out and look out beneath the stars, we pan out to the four way stop and there sitting at the four way stop is another car, this time a husband, wife, and four children. He's low on fuel and doesn't know what to do. If I were you sir, I'd think long and hard before you make next move as your next move could be your last move, especially if you decide to make the left turn and make your way the Andrewson way.

Jul. 29th, 2015

The Legacy Room

We start our episode in an elaborately decorated abandoned warehouse off route 67 in a town near Malice. Dr. Venture has been brought there and is under sedation when he suddenly wakes up from a three day nap.

Dr. Venture: Where the hell am I this week? [lights blare on, blinding him temporarily]

Professor Incorrigible: Welcome Dr. Thaddeus Stevenson Venture to The Legacy Room! In this area you will find that your loved ones as well as your enemies have joined together for an old-fashioned beatdown and thrashing of you, followed by seeing which one of you will be known for its part in destroying you and being part of the newly formed Neo-Legendary Board!

Dr. Venture: Aren't the former members all living still?

Professor Incorrigible: Yes they are young Thaddeus Venture and you too shall know what its like to die in the hands of the Legendary Board, like my father and father before him! Also, I heard a rumor that your father may also have been subjected to his demise by them as well. Now then, let's get started shall we?

The Trammps "Disco Inferno" starts playing as Professor Incorrigible starts introducing the potential new members of the Neo-Legendary Board.

Professor Incorrigible: In this gala, there are no rules, only mayhem! Even the newly re-organized Guild of Calamitous Intent and OSI are partners in this one! Let's see who you'll be playing for shall we?

The potential members come out in 70's Elvis jumpsuits and other disco type wear. Some of it is quite appalling, even for Dr. Venture.

Professor Incorrigible: The good guys have graciously decided to go first in their introduction. We have on our team for the good guys, Brock Samson, Hank Venture, Colonel Gentleman, Dr. Quymn, Dean Venture, Dr. Byron Orpheus, Triana Orpheus, and the all-knowing beloved Master in a weird prototype humanoid suit!

Dr. Venture: Can I plead insanity and cop out to a suicide?

Professor Incorrigible: No you can't! And just for that, were going to give you 50,000 volts of pure, uncut electricity courtesy of our dear friend Phantom Limb, one of the original members of the Legendary Board Junior Edition team! [shocks Dr. Venture unconscious]

Dr. Venture wakes up 30 minutes later, only to find out he had a seizure and wet his pants.

Professor Incorrigible: Now then, for your teams of miscrients: The Monarch, 24, Dr. Mrs. The Monarch, Fat Chance, Brick Frog, Loki, Mephistopheles, Mephisto, Magneto, Faust, Hecate, and Stephen Colbert.

Dr. Venture: Did I take a bunch of acid again?

Professor Incorrigible: No you didn't! We did do a drug test though and found several things that we think you need to talk to somebody to about getting into a 12-Step program for: Tequila, heroin, amphetamines, large quantities of DMT, ecstasy, STP, novacaine, Ritalin, yew berries, valium, thallium, thorazine, Risperdal, PCP, ketamine, cocaine, crack, methampethamines, morphine, thorium, psilocybin, and mescaline. We even found scolopamine, strychnine, and henbane in this thing! Were not even sure how your alive more or less how you've managed to be here without serious withdrawl issues!

Dr. Venture: Lots and lots of Talwin.

Professor Incorrigible: Well then, let's get started shall we?

Dr. Venture is knocked out and brought to group A who take him to the interrogation room. Dr. Quymn and 24 are in there waiting for him.

Professor Incorrigible: Now that we have Disco Inferno in our heads, let's introduce tonight's tormentors, shall we?

Dr. Venture: Fine, whatever!

Professor Incorrigible: In this corner, coming out to Aerosmith's "Back in the Saddle" is none other than 24! And in this corner, coming out to Nazareth's "Love Hurts" is Dr. Tara Quymn!

Dr. Venture: Can't we talk it over some tiramisu Tara? I mean come on, you wanna be a part of this menagerie?

Dr. Quymn: After what you did in the Amazon rainforest Rusty, you should thank me for not killing you when I had the chance. 20 years of cancer research down the drain and you killed countless species of plant and wildlife, not to mention destroyed several temples and three dozen tribes!

Dr. Venture: So there's a chance we can get nookie later on?

24: Oh my God dude! Are you this dense and naive or has the withdrawl symptoms finally started to kick in for at least one of those things?

Dr. Venture: Well---

Professor Incorrigible: Enough chit-chat! Let's start interrogating him shall we?

Dr. Quymn and 24 interrogate him for 24 hours with no sleep, food, or water. After the song "The Heat Is On" is played for the 10,000th time, Professor Incorrigible announces a winner.

Professor Incorrigible: It was a close match folks! The judges have told me that 24 is the winner! Dr. Tara Quymn will now be stripped of her uniform, heavily drugged, and dropped off in Nairobi! Thanks for playing! [Dr. Quymn is escorted out]

Professor Incorrigible: While 24 is off getting refreshments and desserts, let's get back to the action where Dr. Venture has been dragged to group B where Dean Venture, the beloved Master, Loki, and Faust are waiting for the torture chamber to begin!

Dr. Venture: You do realize I was tortured on a daily basis for 14 years right?

Professor Incorrigible: Yes I do Thaddeus and I also know that you participate in coloring therapy at the OSI Academy as part of the Boyhood Rehabilitation Foundation for Misguided Youths of Protagonists! The picture of the unicorn you made last week is absolutely darling and has been shown on the web countless times in the form of memes!


Loki: Not nearly as adorable as the cats you painted during arts and crafts fest for the Guild Asylum. All nine realms know of your handiwork!

Dr. Venture: Asgard has Internet connection? I'd hate to see that bill!

Professor Incorrigible: Chatty Cathy session is over! Let's start the carnage!

The torture lasts three days and the Master and Faust become incapacitated due to no food or water. Dean and Loki are at a stalemate when Professor Incorrigible announces a winner.

Professor Incorrigible: This is a hotly contested matchup which seems to last forever(and I thought tennis was boring)! The winner is Dean Venture! Because Loki did such an awesome torturing Dr. Venture with Falco's "Der Kommissar" for 19 hours, were going to give him a position as headmaster of the torture chambers!

Loki: See you at the next round Venture!

Professor Incorrigible: Dean is going to get some grub followed by taking a much needed shower! Dr. Venture has somehow managed not to be driven insane or killed and since we only have three days of our timeshare agreement left, were going into the lightning round where anything and everything is legal, even Onyx Magic! We have two very special guest referees for this one: Myra Brandish and the supervillain Florencia! Cue the Mortal Kombat music and FIGHT!

A huge interrogation/torture session begins with all but two people eliminated from the chamber. Those who lost are stripped of their uniforms, heavily drugged, and shipped to Nairobi where they go to the original Legendary Board camp to be re-trained for next year.

Professor Incorrigible: The four finalists have entered the ring. Dean Venture, 24, Brock Samson, and Stephen Colbert have entered the hallway and are carrying a rose. There also in weird costumes and look like there going to a fancy Seder dinner followed by an all-night fuck fest which may get very weird in a hurry at Stanley Kubrick's house! We have a host who was randomly chosen by our home viewers, drugged via a burrito, blindfolded, tied up, put into a stereotypical pedophile van, driven to the middle of the Mohave desert, given huge amounts of mescaline, and flown here by helicopter(although he thinks it was a magic carpet drag racing the DeLorean from Back To The Future). Please give it up for Mr. John Oliver!

John Oliver: I really need to stop eating at burrito shops that are fronts for illegal activities! This is the fifth time something like this has happened in three months!

Stephen Colbert: Still not as bad as how I got here; Jon Stewart sold me to Phantom Limb for 100 bucks and tickets to a Cubs game.

John Oliver: I always knew Stewart was a monster!

Professor Incorrigible: Gentlemen! Now that we've had our pleasantries, let the mayhem begin! Mr. Oliver has graciously decided to host a version of the Bachelor, only not as creepy or wondering when it'll end. Each one of you has a rose; Mr. Oliver will ask each of you to step forward and Dr. Venture will decide whether to accept the rose. If he says yes, your in the Neo-Legendary Board and will walk away with 50,000 dollars! If he says no, you'll be stripped of your uniform, heavily drugged, and left to fend for yourself in the remote reaches of the Gobi desert. Now then, let's play!

Each person goes by one by one, only to have Dr, Venture say no. It starts getting on Professor Incorrigible's nerves and he ups the ante.

Professor Incorrigible: Venture! I sincerely hope your not trying to waste my time, the finalist's time, and the host's time who is most likely under extreme duress at this point! If you do not pick a single person to be in the group and on the board, I will have no choice but to kill every last person in here in a cruel and unpleasant fashion! Now then, pick either Dean Venture or Brock Samson!

Dean: Please pop, pick someone! I don't think you have a spare me in your closet anymore!

Brock: Come on Doc! Just pick someone so we can get out of here and live our lives; also if get killed because of this bullshit, I am haunting your ass in every life form possible for all eternity; its a promise!


Dr. Venture: Okay, okay, okay, fine! The person whose rose I'm going to choose is......

We come to the end of the episode where Dr.Venture wakes up in the intensive unit of the OSI Academy where he has suffered a nervous breakdown and undergoing an intense psychiatric evaluation.

Dr. Venture: So, Dr. Alvarez, is there anything you can do for me or did I just dream it all up like usual?

Dr. Alvarez: For the most part, yes, it was a dream. Although, I do have to agree with that cat painting though. You do have a talent for being a good artist. Now then, if you could just paint 1,000,000 of these by tomorrow, I should enough on hand to start the sweatshop brigade here at the Academy......

[Dr. Venture wakes up in a cold sweat terrified of what has happened in his dream; Sgt. Hatred goes and gets him some warm milk]

Sgt. Hatred: I told you Doc, don't eat those tuna sandwiches you find in the back of a crack house; you don't know what's in those things! Now I'll leave your nightlight on for the next few nights til you cool down a little. Now go to sleep Doc, and by the way, those unicorn memes are out of sight! [walks away]

Dr. Venture: WHAT!? [hit with dart by Brock, the newest member of the Neo-Legendary Board]

Brock: Finally! I thought he'd never get back to sleep! [walks to his barrack and goes back to sleep]

May. 31st, 2015

Magic's Unseen Gathering

We start the episode inside an ancient pyramid outside Cairo, Egypt. Dr. Orpheus has been chosen to compete in a head-to-head competition to see who is the best necromancer. Al and Jefferson Twilight are waiting at a bar near the arena's entrance.

Al: So how long do these things typically last Casimir?

Casimir: At least three or four days, depending on how long it takes for people to die.

Al: Just great. Hey Orpheus! If you die, I get your kick-ass stereo system from 1980!

Jefferson and Casimir give him a weird look.

Al: What? It was my wedding present to him! Geez!

As we look into the arena, we see two other people who have gathered to compete. The first one is Ra's Al Ghul. A man whose managed to attain legendary magic status as well as immortality via The Lazarus Pit. The second one is Dr. Stephen Strange, a former surgeon turned Supreme Sorcerer. A referee comes out to start the tournament.

Referee: In this corner, weighing 149 lbs, he is the necromancer from the compound; Dr. Byron Orpheus! [Orpheus comes out in a white sequin outfit that blinds a few people]

Al: Did Orpheus make a deal with Elton John again?

Jefferson: I hope not. The last time that happened, we got kicked out of Wales and you have to do something pretty crazy to get kicked out of Wales!

Referee: In this corner, weighing 145 lbs, he is the current Supreme Sorcerer and member of The Avengers; give it up for Dr. Stephen Strange! [Strange comes out in a blue sequin outfit]

Al: What's with the sequins? It's not Vegas or a coming out party!

Casimir: Ra's Al Ghul personally requested that contestants be in a sequined outfit, after all, this is his pyramid and he's being gracious in lending it to the tournament.

Referee: In Orpheus's opposite corner, weighing 130 lbs, he is the illustriously immortal supreme one, Ra's Al Ghul! [Ra's Al Ghul comes out in a green sequin outfit]

Referee: And in Strange's opposite corner, he is the terror that flaps in the night! He is the terror that wings in your shoe! He is....Count Dracula! [no one comes out]

Al: Did Darkwing Duck kill him? If he did, that's awesome! I want his autograph!

The other contestants go to Count Dracula's room, which shows Count Dracula dead from an unknown source.

Dr. Orpheus: It appears that Count Dracula was obliterated by a laser sword that is made of sunlight, the souls of a 1,000 babies, and a strange ingredient for a sword---

Dr. Strange: It's Yellow No. 5 Orpheus! Don't you know basic chemistry? [leaves in a huff]

Dr. Orpheus: What's with him?

Ra's Al Ghul: Count Dracula and Dr. Strange have been bitter enemies for 30 years. It started when Strange borrowed Dracula 50 dollars so he can make a bet on the '85 NBA Final game. From there it escalated and before he knew it, Dracula had cleaned Strange out of 385,000 dollars with no intention of paying him back.

Dr. Orpheus: Couldn't he just hire a loanshark to get the money?

Ra's Al Ghul: You and I both know that the Magcian's Mafia has no time for such trivial things! We must have another contestant for Strange, but whom shall we pick to take his place?

Dr. Orpheus: I may know someone. One minute while I get them. [Orpheus goes to the Venture Compound and gets Hector Molina, who has been distraught since the deaths of his employer and Swifty(Swifty succumbed to the affects of Lewy Body dementia a few weeks after Jonas Jr. died)and wants Hector Molina to stop sleeping on his lawn]

Ra's Al Ghul: He has no magic ability! Although, he is incredibly suicidal and that might just be what he needs to survive to first few rounds. Kazeem! Take this peasant to the dressing room and put him in a bright pink sequined outfit!

Kazeem: Are you sure about that master? He seems like a nice fellow.

Ra's Al Ghul: Do it or you get put in it! [Kazeem rushes Hector Molina to the dressing room]

Hector Molina comes out of the dressing room and replaces Count Dracula.

Al: Why is the janitor here? He has no magical abilities!

Casimir: The rules say you must have four contestants in a tournament or everyone gets slaughtered.

Al: Good point. I'm not sure if bright pink is a good color on him though, maybe mauve or light purple, what do you think Casimir? [Casimir is gone and Al and Jefferson are put into another room]

Al: What are we doing here?


Al: Good enough for me! [goes to have food and have fun]

Jefferson: Wow! Maybe I can get laid this time; its been 35 years since I've had anyone! [rushes to the dancing girls]

The referee goes to the starting gong.

Referee: Gentlemen, LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Al: How'd they get this guy?

Ra's Al Ghul: He's my 22nd cousin on my mother's side.

Al: Makes sense. [back to festivities]

We go to the tournament where Strange and Swifty have entered a makeshift dungeon of unspeakable horror. Strange uses the Eye of Agamotto to cut off any chance of Swifty escaping and applies the Crimson Bands of Cyttorak in which Swifty is left helpless. Just as Strange is about to kill Swifty, he notices something about the sequined costumes. The sequins contain a tiny camera that Ra's Al Ghul uses to track their every move and thus kill his enemies. He decides to put on a show that makes it look like he killed Swifty while in reality, he has a prisoner who is far more suicidal than Swifty trade places with him, thus giving Swifty a much needed social life and a new home, albeit a very temporary one. As Strange goes to find Orpheus, we see Casimir bring back the body to the astral form of Ra's Al Ghul who sees that the man in the outfit is someone other than Swifty.

Ra's Al Ghul: Casimir! Bring forth Kazeem! [Kazeem comes to Ra's Al Ghul]

Ra's Al Ghul: Kazeem! Get in the suit and bring me Strange or it'll be your head!

Kazeem: No master! I beg of you, please don't! [Casimir puts Kazeem in the suit]

While Casimir brings Kazeem to his doom in the arena, we go to where Strange and Orpheus have squared off in a duel of sorts. Strange uses the Eye of Agamotto which is counteracted by Orpheus using the Eye of Stugotto. Strange applies the Crimson Bands of Cyttorak however, Orpheus uses a magic shield which causes the bands to bounce off and hit Strange. Just before Orpheus is about to kill Strange, Strange appeals for Orpheus to hear him out about Swifty and about the outfits.

Orpheus: So your saying that these outfits are nothing more than glorified cameras that Al Ghul uses to spy on his victims and kill them?

Strange: Yes, and that's not all. I was able to get a message out to Jericho Drumm about the outfits and he said that the color of the outfit determines who dies first. Bright pink first, then blue, then white. He's probably found another person to put on the pink outfit.

Orpheus: Oh dear. Are Al and Jefferson all right?

Strange: They are for the time being. They are in a room that is filled with a hallucinogenic gas that is quite addicting and can cause bouts of severe psychosis if exposed for too long. They should be fine once this is over with and in a 12-Step program.

Orpheus: All right. How is Al Ghul unable to see this or hear us?

Strange: I applied a synthetic dye to our outfits and the cameras and microphones shorted out. Now then, let's take out Al Ghul!

As Strange and Orpheus go forth to find Al Ghul, they are unknowingly being watched by Casimir and his other servants who tell Al Ghul about the outfits.

Ra's Al Ghul: It figures. Casimir! Go out and find Strange; bring him to me! As for the buffoon from the compound, kill him!

Casimir: Yes sir!

Casimir puts on the red suit which means he's a servant of Al Ghul and not to be harmed. He then has several other servants put on red suits and scour the pyramid looking for them. Orpheus and Strange come across a container full of Yellow No. 5 and Orpheus analyzes it.

Orpheus: This is the dye used in that sword. Is there any way to find out who it belongs to?

Strange: Here's the FedEx receipt from last Tuesday. [The receipt shows that Strange did indeed kill Dracula]

Strange: He had it coming! I was gonna frame Al Ghul for the murder, then he can't host the tournament anymore and I would be able to do so.

Orpheus: We still can. One minute please. [Orpheus goes into astral form and destroys all evidence tying Strange to the murder]

Orpheus: There! Now, on with the hunt!!!!!!

Strange: Must you be so theatrical?

As Strange and Orpheus the pyramid, they come across the room that Al and Jefferson are in.

Orpheus: I really think I should free them from that hell.

Strange: They'll be fine. There's no trace of psychosis in either one of them and the one called Jefferson Twilight seems to be really enjoying himself.

Orpheus: He must've got laid finally. It'll be nice not to hear him whine and complain about that for a change.

As they move to another room, they come across Kazeem who has been forced to wear the pink outfit.

Kazeem: Please sirs! Kill me, kill me now!

Orpheus does a mind-meld with him and sees Kazeem's past. Kazeem's mother and father were workers for Ra's Al Ghul in the 1890's. When Kazeem's father caught Al Ghul having an affair with his mother, he tried to kill Al Ghul, but he failed. His mother died giving birth to Al Ghul's child and the child was given up for adoption in a remote village. Al Ghul then subjected Kazeem to the first of many baths in the Lazarus Pit and kept Kazeem as his slave.

Orpheus: We have to put him out of his misery; its for his own good.

Strange: I'll send him to a euthanasia clinic in the Bahamas, they'll take good care of him there.

Orpheus continues on with Strange, however, he is steadily becoming troubled by Strange's anti-social and misanthropic behavior. They come to a room with a locked door and try to open it. After 20 minutes of trying, they are pushed in by Casimir and are taken to another dimension.

Ra's Al Ghul: Greetings, friends! It seems you have wandered into the 4th Chamber and it'll be the last place you'll ever be in!

An epic magic battle happens with all forms of magic being made legal; even the ones that are Onyx Magic, the worst kind of magic ever. Three days go by and there is no clear winner.

Ra's Al Ghul: I was afraid it would come to this. You leave me no choice but to put on my theme music! [Weird Gregorian chant music is heard overhead]

Orpheus: Of course! Music is the strongest magic out there! Strange, use your theme music and take him down!

Dr. Strange's theme music of the song Abracadabra by Steve Miller Band is heard overhead and for awhile it holds Al Ghul at bay however, Strange becomes tired and is starting to weaken.

Strange: Orpheus! Use your theme music now!

Dr. Orpheus's theme music of the song A Kind of Magic by Queen is heard overhead and is able to bring down Al Ghul and take him and Casimir to the Utter World; a place where time and space cease to exist outside the known universe.

As Strange and Orpheus exit the pyramid, they come to the realization that no one won the tournament.

Orpheus: What are we to do with who decides the tournament?

Strange: I'll handle that. I'll make it look like you killed me, that way you can have something meaningful to look at in your long and boring career as cosmic balance dude and I can get away from the Avengers. Did you know that they only give me Sunday off and 1 week's furlough to Switzerland? It's positively outrageous!

We come to the end of the episode where Dr. Orpheus did indeed kill Dr. Strange, however, he did it with a little help from Brock.

Orpheus: Thank you so much Samson! He was quite troublesome!

Brock: And annoying. If I wanna hear some blowhard talk about his intellectual conquests of the day, I'll get Dean.

Orpheus: It was awfully nice of the Avengers to give me the Sanctum Solarium. Now I can have a summer home!

Brock: Just remember, I get to use it every third week in August; its when I have my mandatory furlough or go to a psych ward ordeal.

Orpheus: Agreed. I can't help but think I forgot something.

Brock: You'll remember it the next week or two, I do that sometimes too.

We go to Egypt where Al and Jefferson have been running through remote villages trying to find the Hollywood sign.

Al: I know its around here somewhere!

Jefferson: I hope so because man is it hot out here!

Al: I gonna kill Orpheus for leaving us in that fucking pyramid! He knows I have a fear of mummies!

May. 23rd, 2015

West Virginia

I know its been a while since I've said anything however things have been crazy to say the least.

When we last left off, I was hoping to start dating someone who'd been flirting with me for the past 2 and a half years. That turned into a huge fiasco and then some. Apparently, because I reciprocated his flirting when he upped the ante via private message on Facebook in mid-February, it scared the living bejeebees out of him and he blocked me on Facebook, followed by having me be yelled at by staff and allies(he could continue flirting with me but if I responded I'd get in trouble), getting most of my friends to turn on me, getting the staff and allies to turn on me, and by taking out a 25 year restraining order on me. I got served on Easter Sunday at my mother's house at 11:30 PM. Needless to say, I ruined Easter(and every other holiday)yet again.

I was originally scheduled to go to court on May 1st, however, he got a lawyer and his lawyer pushed everything up to April 28th; I barely made it on time. His lawyer represented him via proxy(in Minnesota you can do that if your the one whose petitioning a restraining order; in most cases, its because of domestic violence issues)and he had close to 50 witnesses testify that I was physically, emotionally, verbally, and possibly sexually torturing him. I almost bust out laughing in the courtroom because 1. It's complete bullshit. He's the one who initiated the flirting to begin with. 2. I'm 4'10" from two genetic disorders and I have little to no upper body strength. How in the hell am I supposed to do anything his lawyer and those witnesses described? In case your wondering, I had no lawyer and no witnesses so I got my ass handed to me something fierce. The judge ruled in his favor and on May 1st, everything got implemented. The order is good for 25 years. Normally, an order is good for 1-6 years depending on circumstances. Anything over 10 years requires an additional hearing for implementation purposes and 50 years is the max you can do an order. I can't be within a half mile of him, if he gets on the bus and I'm on it, I have to get off on the next stop regardless of circumstances, and I have to leave Minnesota by December 31, 2016 and if I don't, I get an automatic 3 year prison sentence for stalking. I also have to comply with a pioneer-era law that is still on the books in Minnesota(and most other states)so its therefore legal. I have to get married within a year. It has to deal with the notion that a woman can impact a man's life and reputation in either a positive way or a negative way and if they're married, their husband can keep an eye on them better and keep them from impacting men and their husband in a negative way. If I don't get married, its and automatic 10 year sentence for non-compliance. The marriage must also be for at 10 years(they're taking a typical pioneer person's lifespan into account where the absolute most you could live to was 50). His lawyer also tried to get my ex-fiance attached to the order because they had a falling out last year and it was pretty bad. I managed to delay that until August 31st(I had to use every trick in the book to do that). I found out yesterday that the judge did order my ex-fiance to leave Minnesota by December 31st, 2016 or he gets a 10-20 year sentence for terroristic threats and since he has no known address, I have to tell him(can't wait for that reaction!).

I had a therapist for a short time, however, he got fired for advocating for his clients too much(because apparently advocating for your clients is a bad thing)and I'm now on the waiting list for a new one. The one I'm most likely going to be assigned to is someone who thinks those with disabilities and mental health issues should be locked up for the good of society and that its your fault why you've been bullied, abused, tortured, and what not and if you just take the fall for everything, you'll be fine. The scary thing is this lady is my age(which makes me wonder what society's views on those with disabilities and mental health issues will be 15-20 years). The county tried sticking me with her initially however when another therapist came up, I went with him instead.

I know I've posted about being stripped of my self-advocacy things because I exposed corruption and money mismanagement in the self-advocacy movement in Minnesota(some of which dates back 50 years)and that if I want to do self-advocacy again, I have to move to another state. Well, I've now had my national funding stripped as well. I've been told that if I don't resign within 30 days that I'll lose my health insurance that I get from the state in 2016 and that my Social Security could also be affected. I'm not sure what to do as the national organization says they won't accept my resignation and that I'm expected to be in Chicago for the summer meeting in July. I'm having a meeting with the two people I went to about the corruption and money mismanagement(there also the ones doing it; I found out the hard way), the head of DHS, several people from Arc, several people from ACT, and 3 high-up financial workers(they're the ones who decide who gets health insurance and they're the ones who alert Social Security to any issues)on June 17th. Needless to say, I'm terrified as to what will happen at the meeting. It's going to be a lose-lose situation no matter what happens.

I know some of you are wondering what the title of my entry means. Well I'm here to tell you what it means.

After I found out that I was being stripped of my self-advocacy things and that I'd be blackballed from all self-advocacy things in Minnesota on January 1st, 2016(some of which has already happened); I started looking around for places to go. I had something lined up in Salt Lake City late last year, however, they needed someone right away and gave my job to someone else. The same thing happened in New Mexico, Texas, Hawaii, California, Georgia and Tennessee. I nearly got a job in Arizona however someone had more experience working for a state position so they got the job. For a while I wasn't sure where I was gonna go, then someone told me about West Virginia and how good their self-advocacy programs are. I did some looking and was sold. I talked with several organizations and they are more than willing to roll out the red carpet for me and are welcoming me with open arms. They have a good program for insurance and have decent section 8 housing(they also have a program where people on SSI and SSDI can get their own house, trailer, etc and not have it affect their income; I'm seriously considering looking into it as I've lived in apartments most of my life and I'd like to have my own home for once). I've gotten some flak about my decision because its a rural state and because its in the south; however, I don't have a problem with that. My dad was born and raised in Memphis and I've always wanted to embrace my southern roots(I've also had an inkling to be around hillbillies; even the stereotypical ones). Just because its not #1 in everything doesn't mean its a bad state. All states have their flaws; even the one that's #1 in everything. All states are expensive to live in; there's no way to avoid that. I know that no matter where I go, there will be issues; that's to be expected, however, I wanna be in a state that I don't have to wonder whose corn flakes I shit in that morning or who else is going to slap with me something today. I'm to the point where I'm almost a recluse because what's been going on and I'm wondering if I can really near human beings as every time I turn around, something else is slapping me upside the head(I don't go looking for this shit at all!)or insisting that I be like Pollyanna at a rave 24/7/365(I'm not like that at all, quit trying to force me to be that way!). I'm going somewhere where I can be appreciated for my talents and not have to wonder what will happen to me if I say something. I'm going to West Virginia! I'll be moving there late next year(probably around November)and I'll be settling in the Charleston area once I get there.

Mar. 25th, 2015

VHN--Your Leading Source For Superscience News!

We start our episode at the former site of the Venture Compound. Everyone is salvaging the site for what little possessions they had. Hank was able to find his guitar, an autographed picture of Dave Mustaine, a picture of Hank & Nikki at a 50's themed restaurant, and a picture of Hank & Dermott sodomizing a dead raccoon while high on PCP. Dr. Venture found a picture of his dad & a lady he doesn't know, a trophy from State University's Bowling Club, and a rare LP from the band Rush. Brock found the jar with Molotov's eye, a copy of the first Playboy ever made, and a picture of his mom, dad, and brother(his mom was 6 months pregnant with Brock). Dr. Orpheus was able to find a place in which to keep contact with the Master(the old euthansia chamber Jonas used to get rid of sick & disabled children), a picture of Triana graduating high school, and the wedding album of him and Tatiana. Dean starts looking around the compound to see if he can find anything. He finds his weird shrine to Triana, an autographed picture of David Bowie, and something he thought he'd never see again----

Dean: Yes!!!! I can't believe it survived the fire! [jumping around, doing weird victory dance]

Dr. Venture: Please tell me its not his Manfred Man collection, I can't stand them!

Hank: It's not them pop, it looks like some sort of telegraph equipment.

Dr. Venture: Do you even know what a telegraph is Hank?

Dr. Venture & Hank go up to Dean and see that his newspaper making equipment survived the fire.

Dr. Venture: How the hell did this survive the fire? Hank, get me a can of gasoline and a blowtorch, this shit aint going with us!

Dean gets in front of the equipment to prevent Hank from torching it.

Dean: Stop right there Henry Allen Venture! You can't destroy a beloved piece of machinery!

Hank: What's so special about it anyway Dean? You get at most 22 readers!

Dean: I'll tell you what's special about it Hank! It's---

Just as Dean is about to tell Hank how special the newspaper means to him, a mysterious man jumps out of a plane with a sack of money.

Mysterious man: Which one of you fellers is Roger Dean Venture?

Dean: I am sir. You can call me Dean.

Mysterious man: All then feller. My name is Reuben Murlock, I own a very successful cable news channel called Falcon News Channel & I've been reading your Venture Home News for quite some time now. How would you like to make oodles of money & have your own cable news channel devoted entirely to superscience & its subsidiaries?

Dean: Well---

Dr. Venture: He'll take it! [takes sack full of money from Reuben like no tomorrow]

Dean: So how does this begin?

Reuben: Dean, lets you and me go on this here plane and talk things over before the crazy stick man comes back. [Dean & Reuben quickly get on plane & head to Texas]

As the months go by, Dean is made sole owner & CEO of VHN and is being financed by Reuben. Pete White & Billy are made chief technical support people, Hank & Dermott are in charge of sports & entertainment, The Order of the Triad is made VHN's official weather team, Sgt. Hatred is made the main news reporter, Brock is made chief news reporter, Col. Gathers is given his own show, Shoreleave is made Hank & Dermott's babysitter, Sky Pilot is VHN's traffic person, Dr. Quymn is given her own show, Nancy is made Dean's assistant, Drew is made a reporter, Myra is also made a reporter(and is heavily medicated), Triana is made a reporter, and Tatiana & Night Rider are given their own show. Dr. Venture is demoted to head janitor after he's caught stealing drugs from a segment that Team Ventronic is doing.

Triana: Good evening America. I'm Triana Orpheus and this is VHN, your leading source of superscience news! Top news of the hour is that a man known as The Monarch has crashed through a Wendy's while on the way to attending a funeral, killing all 48 people inside the restaurant. Police described him as highly intoxicated and reeked of marijuana. He was booked on 48 counts of murder 3, 1st degree DUI, and possession with intent to sell. The newly reformed Guild of Calamitous Intent has suspended his villainy license until the trial is concluded......

We go to the cocoon where the Monarch is crying and eating a huge tub of rainbow sherbert ice cream.

Monarch: Why did this happen? I've seen plenty of villains do a lot worse and get away scot free. It's not fair! [goes into tantrum mode]

24 walks in and sees the Monarch.

24: Oh crap, he's at it again. 84,82, & 17! Hold him down while I give him his medicine! 4! Get me Dr. Alvarez on the phone, big screen please!

We go back to VHN where the trial of The Monarch is about to begin. Sgt. Hatred is on standby in Carson City, Nevada where the trial is to be held.

Triana: We go live to Carson City, Nevada where Sgt. Hatred is covering the Monarch's trial.

Sgt. Hatred: Thank you Triana. Were here at the courthouse in Carson City where Malcolm Schnottlocker, AKA The Monarch, is on trial for 48 counts of Murder 3, one count of 1st degree DUI, and one count of possession with intent to sell. He faces a maximum of life in prison if convicted and the prosecuting attorney is seeking the death penalty in the case. I've been on trial here in Nevada and let me tell you they are tough as nails here! I got 8 years for 5th degree criminal sexual conduct when I went on trial here 38 years ago and I had to register with the state of Nevada and there wasn't even a registry back then! Back to you Triana.

Triana[looks nervous]: Thank you Sgt. Hatred. We'll be right back with the Triad Team's weathercast for all of New England! [goes off the air]

Triana psychically communicates with Billy about why they didn't cut Sgt Hatred off when he started talking about his trial.

Triana: What the hell was that Billy? You should've cut him when he started rambling!

Billy: You try getting a signal in Nevada, its terrible!

Reuben summons Dean to his office to discuss the Sgt Hatred situation.

Reuben: Boy, I need you to get rid of that cowpoke right here, right now! My stock went down 50 cents & I can't take that kind of a beating!

Dean: But how can I get rid of someone who's saved my life countless times?

Reuben: Boy, in this business, its kill or be killed and I don't wanna be killed! You get rid of him or your out of a job and a news network!

Dean goes back to his office & summons Dr. Orpheus.

Dr. Orpheus: What seems to be the problem young Dean?

Dean: Reuben says I have to get rid of Sgt. Hatred & if I don't then Venture Home News is finished.

Dr. Orpheus: Hmmm...let me see that contract. [reads the contract]

Dr. Orpheus: Dean, let me tell you this very noble & worthy piece of advice: ALWAYS READ THE FINE PRINT!

Dean: He rushed me through it before I could!


Dean: Oh my God! That's terrible! Is there anyway I can get out of it?

Dr. Orpheus: Summon the one known as 24 to your office; he has an online degree in law from State University. He may know what's going on.

Dr. Orpheus goes back to the studio & does his weather report with Al & Jefferson. Dean has 24 come to his office for lunch and a social call. He has 24 look at the contract and 24 does a mega Gibbs slap on Dean.

24: There may be a way to get out of your contract Dean. I've been looking at all potential loopholes and I found some that might be beneficial to you.

Dean: Go on.....

24 has Dean call the Revenge Society as well as other rogue villains who happen to hate Reuben for destroying them. He hires them to do a point-counterpoint show with Brock, Col. Gathers, Shoreleave, & Hank. He also has Sgt. Hatred placed on supervised reporter status and is able to continue covering the trial with Dr. Mrs. The Monarch as his co-reporter.

Announcer: Ladies & gentlemen, tonight's Offer/Counteroffer Show features Professor Incorrigible, Phantom Limb, Fat Chance, & Manosaur as the Counteroffer side and Brock Samson, Colonel Hunter Gathers, Shoreleave, & Hank Venture as the Offer side. Tonight on the Offer/Counteroffer Show, the topic is lovers from the other side, do you make an offer or counteroffer?

Dr. Venture: Hello, I am your host Dr.Thaddeus Stevenson Venture and this is Offer/Counteroffer. Tonight's topic is a doozy one. It's all about lovers, whether is a villain loving a protagonist or a protagonist loving a villain we all have been there at some point in our lives. I myself had an intense crush on Mangleman's daughter Hortencia for many years; I even had several restraining orders as a result. Now then, let's meet our panelists shall we?

We go to the control booth where Dean, 24, Dr. Orpheus, Pete, Billy, Al, Jefferson, and Dr. Mrs. The Monarch are watching the show with immense anticipation that Brock will go overboard on somebody.

Phantom Limb: I'd like to make a counteroffer with the fact that few villains ever really begin a relationship with a protagonist and if they do its often mere teasing or joking around, you above all people should understand that quite thoroughly Mr. Samson. I mean, she never was going to sleep with you was she?

Brock gets a twitch in his eye and Hank runs away fast.

Professor Incorrigible: Why did that young Venture boy run away like he had a severe case of diarrhea? I hope he didn't eat a bunch of coffee beans again!

Brock flips the table and hits Phantom Limb with it. Phantom Limb uses his killing touch and kills the light crew. Brock & Shoreleave start going at the Revenge Society while Colonel Gathers goes after Manosaur. Dermott works the crowd into a feeding frenzy ala Jerry Springer.

Dr. Venture: Boys, calm down! Let's settle this like grown adults, not school age children! [hit in head by chair by Brock]

An epic battle rages on with many people in the audience killed. The studio is destroyed in the battle and VHN is taken off the air by the FCC. Reuben Murlock is fined 1.4 trillion dollars and is declared bankrupt as a result. The Venture clan is exonerated of all charges and 24 & Dr. Mrs. The Monarch are given community service.

We go to the end of the episode where its been six months since VHN was taken off the air. Dean has given all his money to charity, to the extreme dismay of Dr. Venture. Hank used his money to buy state of the art equipment and he, Dermott, H.E.L.P.er and Pete are currently on tour in the United States, Canada, and Mexico. Dr. Venture blew through his money in six weeks on drugs, booze, and hookers. No one told Sgt. Hatred that VHN was taken off the air and he has now joined Fox News Channel as a military specialist and a reporter.

Sgt. Hatred: The jury has reached a verdict on Malcolm Schnottlocker and he is not guilty of 48 counts of Murder 3, however, he is convicted of 1st degree DUI and possession with intent to sell. He'll be sentenced next week with a maximum sentence of 20 years possible in these convictions. How in the hell did he get off so light? I never----

Dean: I'm so sick of the news! I never want to see, hear, or do the news again!

Dr. Venture: Dean, you've never made me more proud than what----[knocked out by Dr. Orpheus]

Dr. Orpheus: Young Dean, you can still do the news, just don't sell your soul to the first guy who offers you a shitload of money like you did the last time. Here, let me help you get started with the best way you know how. [presents Dean with a brand new printing press and a team of reporters who'll help Dean do the Venture Home News right]

Dean: Wow, this is incredible, thank you Dr. Orpheus! [hugs him]

Dr. Orpheus: It's all right Dean. Now then, shall we get started?

Dean: You bet we'll get started. GO TEAM VENTURE!!!!

Previous 10 | Next 10